Moving On Up

Readers! I have exciting news. There is a reason this site has not been updating consistently anymore. Joshscomedy is shutting down.

Don't fret!

It is being replaced with a newer, fancier, and funnier site. You can expect this new site to have the classic hilarious news stories, comedians to watch, various funny pictures, but also a few things joshscomedy has never done before.

I will be back soon to let EVERYONE ON THE PLANET know where to go for all things funny.

Watch out people! The funny bomb is about to dropppp.

You Too!?

Usually I will bring a story from the news that I make fun of or I present a comedian I think is worth your attention. But right now I'd like to share a ridiculous conversation I heard on the elevator just a few moments ago...


My ride started with two people who I found to very repellant and extremely annoying before they even opened their mouths. There was a woman who was slightly older, probably 40's, and a man who was probably in his 30's.

She reminded me of a dirty hippy, with her unkempt hair, long flowy (and dirty) dress, and this look that screamed, "If I open my eyes any wider than this I won't be as chill." It felt like she was forced to grow up and do something so she decided to take classes at some no name college. She's what I imagine a character from the show "Community" would be like if they were real.

This man reminded me of an aggressive dork. He had his backpack straps pulled tight and his chest out, with a baseball cap to top it off. Also, he had on the kind of sandals that are meant for hiking and, given he was in Manhattan, this bothered me as it always does.

These two clearly knew each other and as it goes, weird people stick together. It doesn't matter whether they are really into XBOX or fantasy novels because sometimes there are people that don't even fit into their own social groups. These were those people.

Sometimes when I look at someone and judge them, as I did with these two, I get it all wrong. I assume they fit stereotypes or compare them with people I have dealt with in the past before they have a chance to present themselves as human beings. When I am proven wrong I am surprised but mostly ashamed for being judgmental.

This was not one of those times.

The horrible hippy directed her attention at angry dork. She opened her mouth and simultaneously started swaying her head back and forth, "So how has your week been?"

He is slow to respond but when he finally answers he says, "Not great. My uncle died this week."

To this point I was watching in anticipation. I truly don't enjoy people like this but they remind me of reality television. I would never put on any of those shows that monitor psychotic people that argue about nothing. But if I'm in the room when it is on I don't exactly reach for the remote.

So when I hear this furious nerd has had a death in the family I feel awful that I've been monitoring them. That is until Miss Phish retorts with her eyes bulging out of her head, "Oh my god! No way! My uncle died this week too!"

I'm blown away by this response even though I knew upon seeing her that she was no social whiz. But what makes the conversation so unforgettable is the excited response of, "No way! That's crazy!"

The two then go on to bond over their dead uncles and become in their words, "funeral buddies."

I find great relief when they leave the elevator but instead of blocking out the experience I want to share it with the world. Even though I write and make jokes about people like this constantly, I am still surprised when I run into such nincompoops.

Hot Stuff

This is the man that women fawn over. I don't see it...

Goat Boy

When I first saw this I thought, "Some kid is thinking about his penis in a goat!?" Shocking and pretty disgusting. But then I took a second or two and realized that the child was writing "My pen is in a goat," which makes more sense and put me at ease.

But I was only at ease for a few brief moments when I thought, "Why would a pen be in a goat?" I then decided the child, was indeed, weird and horrifying. That was until I looked at the word jumble and the first thing I saw was my pen is in a goat. So either I'm part of the new twisted generation or there's something off with this little kid brain teaser.

OR the kid could have assumed that the goat ate his pen and I'm alone in making this innocent statement into a horrible thought.

Class Act

A 49-year-old man is in Sullivan County Jail without bail after authorities say he showed up for a court hearing on a felony DWI charge drunk and carrying an open can of Busch beer, plus four more cans in a bag.

The Middletown Times Herald-Record reports that Keith Gruber of Swan Lake was an hour and a half late for his court appearance Monday before Sullivan County Judge Frank LaBuda, who asked him if he enjoyed his "liquid lunch."

Gruber said he did, then said he was sorry.

LaBuda sent him to jail with no bail.

"It was obvious he was intoxicated," LaBuda said.

Gruber, who has prior DWI convictions, was arrested on Dec. 27 in the town of Liberty and was out on $30,000 cash bail.



I congratulate this man. He is a shining figure of Americantude ©. If only I had the moxie to show up to my court date with a cool refreshing American brewed (German owned) Busch. And it wasn't some sissy Busch Light. This was a Busch Classic, no a Busch Original, no! A Busch Heavy, for a bold man who makes bold decisions. He bought a sixer with the intent of finishing all seis of those crisp and delightful cans of U.S.A. sweetness. He didn't stop to think about any repercussions because he lives on the edge, which is probably how he was driving when he got his DUI, on the edge of the guard rail and the road. Patriotically enough, this Grade-A citizen was arrested in the town of Liberty. A prime display of Americantude ©.

Comedian to Watch

Stephen Lynch is the lucky to receive the "Comedian to Watch" title this go around.





A lot of people are turned off by comedy mixed with music and I can understand that but if there is an exception, it's Stephen Lynch. His sick and twisted humor mixed with strum of his guitar balances out his dark humor nicely. He's been a favorite of mine for years but still has yet to gain mainstream notoriety. I highly recommend listening to some of his songs. Below are a few links to a couple of my favorite songs on youtube and a link to the videos on his website.

Enjoy.


http://www.stephenlynch.com/video.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IFUNIa2NU8


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgAYFVHwY_c

Baby Cage

Where's a safe place to put the baby? Of Course! Hang the baby out the window. Now the baby won't be in the way... ever again because it is going to die.

Courtesy of the 1930's

Quack

Aflac is betting a sales manager from Minnesota has the voice to drive the name "Aflac" into the recesses of your brain and keep it there.

Daniel McKeague, 36, a father of three from Hugo, Minn., beat out 12,500 other contestants to replace actor Gilbert Gottfried and become the new voice of the reinsurance company's duck mascot.

Gottfried voiced Aflac's duck for U.S. audiences for 11 years but was ousted in March after making insensitive remarks on Twitter about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, which produces about 75 percent of Aflac's revenue. Aflac soon announced a contest for Gottfried's replacement, though the actor who has long offered a gentler interpretation of the duck for Japanese audiences will continue.



For those of you that don't know, Gilbert Gottfried is a famous comedian/actor and was the voice of Iago (What I thought was Yago) in Aladdin. I had to look up how to spell Iago and I was shocked at what I found. I've had it wrong in countless writings for years. That hurts Disney. I told my self never again after Zazu... That's a Lion King reference folks.

But as far as the Aflac duck goes, it's probably time to hang up the hat on that old bird. It has been 11 years of a duck quacking, maybe give it a rest. To be honest I'm tired of seeing it but I don't find it nearly as annoying as the Capital One commercials. Those commercials have been running just as long but make absolutely no sense.

Here's a very brief rundown of mascots...

Aflac Duck- The mascot is a duck because ducks quack and that sounds like Aflac. (Fine)


Geico

Caveman- It's so easy a caveman could do it. (Self explanatory)

Gecco- Sounds like Geico. (Fine)

Googly Eyes- Eyes are matched to song with lyrics, "...watchin' me." (Fine)

(Yes, Geico has three different mascots and I bet you didn't even notice.)


Capital One Vikings- Have nothing to do with anything!


By the way, I have posted what Mr. Iago tweeted below. You can decide whether it's funny or worthy of being fired over.



"I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now.'"

In another tweet, he wrote, "Japan is really advanced.They don't go to the beach.The beach comes to them."

The stream of Gottfried's tasteless jokes continued: “I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said, ‘Is there a school is this area?’ She said, ‘Not now, but just wait.’”

Cruel and Unusual

As a result of being found in violation of probation, Lindsay Lohan will be collecting trash, emptying trash bins, mopping floors and cleaning windows and restrooms at the L.A. County Department of Coroner's facility.

"She won't be handling any dead bodies but she'll certainly see them,” Coroner Assistant Chief Ed Winter tells People of the actress, 24, who also has been ordered to complete 360 hours of service at the Downtown Women's Center, a homeless shelter located in L.A.'s Skid Row.

Lohan must enroll in the two programs within a week and has a year to complete them, according to People.

The actress – who previously completed a DUI morgue program following her second drunk-driving conviction 2007 – remains free on $75,000 bail (she was sentenced to 120 days behind bars Friday).




Note that the article refers to her as Lindsay Lohan, and not Lindsay as she had hoped. This is because she is a bona fide train wreck of a person. Maybe the dead people will scare her into becoming a better person but I have my doubts.

It's a very simple equation. Don't drive drunk/ don't violate probation/ don't hit people or things with your car/ don't do drugs all the time and you won't have to clean up the dead person's home. Now I know this can be confusing to someone who has been at the top of the world with cinema classics like "Freaky Friday" and "Herbie Fully Loaded." I don't know what my life would be like if those movies were never made. I'm guessing I wouldn't have seen the previews? That's probably all that would change.

So she's a mediocre actress, she's not hot anymore (stop being blonde), and she fails to understand basic social standards/rules. I have to imagine that she would get along very well with Gary Busey.

Stop It

Dear Dairy Queen,

You've ruined a good thing. That wonderful Old Spice man made us all laugh with his declarations of what a man should be. You, on the other hand, sell ice cream. It's just not the same.

Here is a list of reasons why the Dairy Queen campaign is terrible(even though it is the same as the Old Spice campaign, which is awesome).


1. Dairy Queen ice cream isn't even that good.

2. The production quality of the Old Spice commercials is far superior. They film their commercials in single shots with all real props. No cgi bunnies and big gay flaming rainbows. Queens.

3. Old Spice did it first. There are no other Chuck Norris' out there and if anyone thinks of a joke about... let's say Burt Reynolds, that's similar to a Chuck Norris joke, it's going to have to wait. Burt Reynolds, or whoever, can wait just like Chuck Norris waited for Bill Brasky jokes to calm down. Maybe this would work in 10 years DQ, but not now.

4. The guy in the Old Spice commercials (Isaiah Mustafa) is a former NFL player and is going to be in a movie with Jennifer Aniston. He's what we call 'the man'. This white guy in the Dairy Queen ad, with his cheap porno mustache, is nothing but a knock off. It's like going from Pooh Bear to Poop Bear.

So please D Queen, cease and desist because you're awful and ruining the fun.






If you haven't seen any of the awful D Queen commercials here's a link but I don't recommend watching it because I don't want to encourage them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VtH5xdbMtU

Did You Throw a Trident?

Arizona State and its partners at Nike were obviously aiming for a younger, hipper, decidedly edgier look when they decided to ditch the Sun Devils' longtime logo, a grinning cartoon devil who looks like Walt Disney in an old Halloween costume, in favor of a sleeker, more ominous-looking pitchfork, sometimes set against all-black. Assuming the marketing department's idea of "edgy" didn't quite extend to major urban street gangs, though, they may have succeeded a little too wildly.

Or so says diehard ASU alum Kenneth Epich, a Chicago police sergeant assigned to the city's Area One Gang Enforcement unit who instantly matched the new logo with the crude trident symbol that shows up in the tattoos, graffiti and hand signals of one of Chicago's largest and most violent gangs, the "Satan Disciples." And he thinks it's only a matter of time before his alma mater's new look joins the repertoire:

"The gangs adopt sports teams and wear their gear," Epich said. "The S.D.'s are going to adopt the (ASU) hat as their hat of choice just as soon as they see the first person wearing one."

He probably has reason to worry. After all, there's the devil tie-in. Sun Devils and Satan's Disciples both start with an S and a D.

And, of most concern to Epich, there's that trident. Turns out the gang uses a trident similar to ASU's as one of its symbols. Gang members have them tattooed on their bodies and tag neighborhoods with them. Epich believes some of the artwork he has seen of the gang's symbol is strikingly similar to the ASU trident.

"It bothers me that, one, this gang will be wearing ASU gear, but also that ASU and Nike were so naive to develop it. In my mind, it's the spitting image of the S.D. trident."
[…]
"Some unsuspecting ASU grad or the nephew of a grad or just some person who was at spring training and liked the hat is going to be wearing it in Chicago and stumble upon a car load of Latin Kings (the S.D.'s rival gang), and they're going to beat the (expletive) out of him or kill him just based on the fact he's wearing a hat," Epich said.




First of all, the jerseys are sick. That hokey devil they had before was lame as hell (pun). Normally I'm completely against such a drastic change like this for a team, specifically a college team, because of traditions and history... but it's Arizona State. I feel like everyone there couldn't care less because they're blacked out all the time. It's one giant party with 56,000 undergrads, an ASU strand of every STD, and a barstoolsports smokeshow heaven. I'm sure they're cool with the new jerseys.

But what I don't get is why this ASU alum is such a dimwit. Maybe it's due to the fact that he was blacked out during his 4 years of college. Because if he listened to himself speak then he would realize that he has pointed out that San Diego already has a trident logo. I have to assume that there isn't currently a gang problem with San Diego hats because he didn't say mention any sort of precedent... but I'm not sure if this is a someone to trust. So assuming there is no gang/hat problem right now then there definitely will be with ASU's new logo because... they are the Sun Devils and that matches up with Satan's Disciples.

Hmmm well that is a fancy coincidence but I feel like there was something right there. A piece that was not connected, right after the naivety insult to Nike and ASU. Ahh yes, San Diego also starts with the letters S and D.

Simpleton.

So I disagree with Sargent Pinhead, even though ASU has a bigger football program than San Diego, because teams need to be good at football to have fans outside of their state and no one from Arizona (or any state) should be wandering around the ghettos of Chicago (or any ghetto).

Jerseys rock and cops are stupid. Boom.

No New Ideas

I've heard a lot lately from critics and non-critics alike that Hollywood is out of original ideas. Though, I'm sure the people who claim that Hollywood is out of fresh ideas are simply repeating something they heard on TV. Much like the pompous friend we all have that iterates thoughts from an article they read in the NY Times as if they discovered these new facts and ideas themselves.

Anyway, back to my original point. I've heard a lot about the lack of originality from Hollywood and I've dismissed it as much as I could. But I've come across something today that has brought about a feeling I can only describe with "tisk-tisk" and "Really?"

A favorite childhood board game of mine, Battleship, is being made into a movie in which Rhianna will start her acting career. (Quick thought: Do children play board games anymore?)



"Battleship" offers a fresh take on the classic board game, where naval forces unite on the high seas to battle an alien armada. Taylor Kitsch ("Friday Night Lights") and Alexander Skarsgard ("True Blood") have already been cast as two sailor brothers who partake in the fight.



I can see it now. One battleship full of people will discuss where they should fire because they know there's someone out there... but they don't know where exactly. Meanwhile on a different battleship, far away (somewhere near A5), another group will be discussing the same thing. The two groups will fire into the distance until they find their target, all the while leaving the viewer with a feeling of hopelessness and loss.

Quite possibly one of the least exciting ideas for a movie yet. Battleship does not need a "fresh take" and it does not even need a movie. It's as if execs in Hollywood are sitting around saying to one another, "Name some things that exist already."

"Fast and the Furious?"

"Sure why not? We can make a fifth one. What else?"

"Pirates movie."

"Good Good. Keep 'em coming.

"We could do The Smurfs but make it 3D."

"Great we just need one more."

"Let's make a board game, like battleship, into a movie."

"Great! I'll get Liam Neeson on the phone."


But at least it will be starring Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker, who I'm sure will be wearing very limited amounts of clothing.

Party at my Crib

"I wanted to create a beautiful, tranquil, cozy environment for the babies," Mariah shared, adding, "Everything matches, but pieces are individualized to celebrate the twins as separate entities."

Mariah confessed that designing the nurseries to match her unique vision was a challenge. "I feel like I'm bringing two individuals into the world, so I wanted to do more than cookie-cutter styles in blue and pink." Nick was on board with Mariah's interior design plan, and asked that the twins' cribs be accented with pink and green bedding instead of the traditional pink and blue.



Very modest. Quaint. What newborn baby can survive without a nice sitting area for tea and another sitting area for when you'd like to relax by the crib? Those flowers better be fresh everyday too. Though I don't feel like the cleanliness and detail of this room quite encapsulates how pukey and poopy babies really are. This is a great "Fantasy" Mariah, but you're going to have to "Shake it off" before your "Emotions" are crushed as spit up and inexplicable stickiness covers that lavish and luxurious baby suite.

PUN! PUN! PUN!

That said, I love the giraffe.

Here We Go

I have not been as active I could be with my blog in recent weeks. I have reasons but they are basically just excuses. So here I am. I am back and I am ready to share my witty, charming, insightful (usually stupid) words with the world, or whoever it is that actually reads my dribble.

Ok, so there are plenty of things I have seen in the last few weeks that have made me think, "What...?"

Something I read today made chuckle a bit in disbelief.


Tea activist and OC County GOP official Marilyn Davenport has apologized for sending out a racist image of President Obama.

According to KABC, Davenport issued a statement late Monday in which she apologized, but stopped short of addressing her future on the committee.

"I humbly apologize and ask for your forgiveness of my unwise behavior," the statement said. "I say unwise because at the time I received and forwarded the email, I didn't stop to think about the historic implications and other examples of how this could be offensive."


Hilarious. Obama is a monkey and it works because he's black. That's not racist is it?

Uhh... yeah that's racist. You might as well send a picture of him with a bucket of fried chicken, some fresh cut watermelon, and a caption underneath reading, "Let me axe you something."

Those who are not racists are well aware of racist stereotypes and insults. You got caught, Marilyn. Woops!

I'm not sure if it's because we are able to move information so quickly and more freely every day or if it's because people are getting dumber but it seems to me people in the government have been failing quite a bit lately. Hookers, blow, gay bathroom sex, false claims about what planned parenthood actually does (Senator Jon Kyl), and racist chain emails.

It makes me proud to be an American.

Beauty Shots

According to a statistic I heard about from a friend of mine, who said they heard from the t.v., one in every three relationships right now started from an online dating site. I believe it. I know that that since I registered with the proper authorities to date I've been contacted by the dating bureau once every quarter about where I met my girlfriend. They are very thorough.

Well, given that these online dating sites have been flourishing (according to someone), what better time to release the camera that erases all flaws.

This is the magazine cover camera. Everyone can be a cover girl!

While I find this to be a cool feature, I think it can be a little misleading. The wrinkle eraser could turn a Coca-Cola junkie, chain smoking, prune faced maniac into a bright eyed, white smiled, smooth skinned princess. This camera could turn Patty and Selma into Jessica Rabbit and I don't think that will make for a lot of happy first dates for online daters.

Best of luck to the online dating world with this little gem on the market.

New Jokes in New York City

All new jokes in an an all new city. This is my performance at Laugh Lounge.

Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-Rer-Z-RH4

Love Seats

For pooping with your partner.

I came across this little gem while I was out last night at a restaurant/hookah bar. There is no one I know or care enough about to ever use the love seats with.

I have decided there are three scenarios that exist with this bathroom. One is two bros (or a girl and her she-bro) are forced to rub thighs while they flex it out. Plus side: there can be a high five celebration for a job well done or there is support for when things don't go as well as planned. Down side: extraordinarily disgusting.

The second scenario is a couple can share an experience together like no other. In fact, the couple can hold hands the entire time they are in the bathroom, depending on how good one may be at unfastening belts and pants with one hand. Plus side: gazing into your loved ones eyes and understanding them in a time few couples can understand. Down side: no one ever needs to be this close to their boyfriend/girlfriend while they release the concentrated evil that is inside of them.

The third and, in my opinion, best scenario is the stranger session. This would be two people who have never met, who are then forced to share an experience that they never thought they'd share with the closest of people in their lives. It is my favorite because it embodies my favorite sort of awkwardness. I imagine that people would attempt to be polite and hold in their gas, struggling to release a silent fart. It would be as silent a bathroom session could be with an occasional subdued cough. Upside: a great adventure with a new friend. Downside: exceptionally horrid experience with a person you hope to never see again.

I don't know which experience this establishment had planned for when they installed this porcelain pair but it fascinates me to no end.

Lost Stars

Ever wonder what happens to our beloved childhood television stars?

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is what happens.

Steve Urkel (Jaleel White) is Dr. Terry McCormick in the film of the century.

This is one of those movies that makes one wonder how or why it was made. Please watch the trailer through the link below. It's a guilty pleasure I need to share with the world.

And remember, "Whoever wins... WE LOSE!"

http://www.movieweb.com/movie/mega-shark-vs-crocosaurus/trailer

For what it's worth I think the crocosaurus would win.

Brilliant

The best answer to a test question I have seen. I wish I had been clever to write an answer like this while I was in school. There were more than a few math questions I didn't know the answer to...

Good job Peter.

Comedian to Watch

He wrote for 30 Rock, he does incredible stand-up, was in a successful sketch comedy group, and now stars in one of my favorite television shows on right now, Community. I want to be Donald Glover. If you haven't seen his stand-up, now is your chance. Check out the links below.

http://comedians.jokes.com/donald-glover/videos/donald-glover---crazy-stories

http://comedians.jokes.com/donald-glover/videos/donald-glover---black-nerd

http://comedians.jokes.com/donald-glover/videos/donald-glover---we-get-it

http://comedians.jokes.com/donald-glover/videos/donald-glover---rude-midget

Deadly Delivery

Hudson- A Sullivan Road resident called police to report a "suspicious package" on his front porch...

The resident said he observed an unknown person leave the package and called police, according to the police report.

The officer said he could see the package was clearly labeled with the Amazon.com logo and asked the man if he had ordered anything from the firm recently.

The man reportedly said "Why yes, I did."

The officer told the resident his package had arrived. The resident then said he was comfortable opening the box. The officer then left the scene, according to the report.



An unknown person dressed all in brown suspiciously pulled down his brown cap as he left his large brown vehicle with something suspect underneath his arm. The mysterious, and most likely dangerous item, was left on the porch for the local resident to fear. The resident was also an avid viewer of Glenn Beck. Only later did the resident realize the mysterious package was in fact the fleshlight he had ordered online.

(The things people do and the things that are reported will never cease to amaze me)

Sweet and Nasty

What an adorable puzzle. But it's obvious what's really going on here. Jungle loooovvee.

Only an adult mind can take the innocent and make it filthy.

Porn in a Cup

NEW YORK — A Brooklyn coffee shop is offering customers a real jolt: 10 shots of espresso in a single serving with the nickname "porn in a cup."

The Pulp & The Bean in the Crown Heights neighborhood put the item on the menu on Tuesday with the official name of "Dieci," Italian for "10." The nickname comes from a sign advertising the drink outside the store, whose specialty item was first reported by the New York Daily News.

Shop owner Tony Fisher, 37, said sales were brisk in part because "nobody's ever had the chutzpah to do anything like this before."

"This is for the person who wants to experience the limits of where coffee and espresso can go," he said of the drink, which weighs in at 20 ounces.

Fisher opened his shop specializing in latte coffee and chai tea about a year ago in a neighborhood that has traditionally been split between Orthodox Jews and Caribbean immigrants but has seen an influx of young professionals and gays who make up the bulk of his clientele.

Fisher came up with the idea after finding that a double espresso was not enough.

"Sometimes I'll drink a double espresso and say to myself, 'I need another double.' And then another double will turn into another double. And I was like, why not drink a full cup?"

The beverage is not for everyone, especially considering such a large dose of caffeine can increase heart rate and blood pressure.

"I won't sell it to anybody in their 40s and up," Fisher said. "I'll just tell them I can offer an alternative."

I really don't think I've ever heard chutzpah other than on Coffee Talk with Linda Richman. But other than that I'm on board with this drink. You could say you want ten shots of espresso so why not American it up and call it porn in a cup?

A double not strong enough? Throw in eight more shots. That oughta do it.

I could handle the caffeine of this drink. I couldn't handle the actual bean juice. But if I'm ever looking for a safe alternative to a colonic then I will grab myself a cup of porn in Brooklyn.

That said, every porn in a cup should come with one free roll of toilet paper for the safety of others.

Sex Bomb

WASECA — A Waseca man has been charged with felony creation and possession of an explosive or incendiary device and felony terroristic threats after authorities discovered a homemade explosive device hidden in a sex toy...

According to the criminal complaint, Lester had made some modifications to a sex toy. He put gun powder, BB shot and buck shot from shotgun shells into one with black and red wires that connected to a trigger with a battery port....

The complaint went on to say that Lester planned on giving it to one of three women. In each of those cases, the relationship had ended badly...

There is no more malicious offensive move than to go for the old exploding vagina attack. How shitty of a person do you have to be to be able to contemplate which vagina was the most awful and worth destroying?

But on the other hand, what an awful group of women to crush a man's heart to a point at which he is considering such violence. It's remarkable they could turn down such a fine specimen of man at any time. He's like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp but more American, more Budweiser, more Nascar, more wifebeater, more crystal meth, and pulls off a mullet.

So maybe he wasn't trying to deliver a heat seeking vagina missile. Maybe he was just trying to spread Christmas cheer. Everybody loves to see some fireworks.

Or he's just a crazy redneck.

In the Lion's Den

SPRING HILL, Fla. – A Florida man says he's going to spend the next month living in a fenced enclosure with two African lions.

James Jablon of Spring Hill hopes the stunt will raise money for his wildlife center, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.

Jablon entered the lions' den Saturday. He says he's going to sleep on hay near the lions named Lea and Ed and eat when they eat.

He says he's also going to build a place to sleep and hide in the trees in the enclosure, in case the lions fight with each other. His adventure is being streamed live online through January 31.

What a champ. Starting his new year with a bold decision. He doesn't care what people say.

"Don't do it! You will get mauled."

"Just a lion's tongue is strong enough to rip the skin off your body. Don't be a fool!" (I didn't make that up. It's true, Google it.)

"They're probably going to eat you, idiot."

No this man is confident. And why not be confident? If the lion's start to get aggressive he can ask them to calm down so he can go to his safety tree. It's not like lions can climb trees (see photo above).

And I can think of no better way to raise money than a free viewing of a lion attack.

With people like this around I have a feeling 2011 will be a good year.