Love Seats

For pooping with your partner.

I came across this little gem while I was out last night at a restaurant/hookah bar. There is no one I know or care enough about to ever use the love seats with.

I have decided there are three scenarios that exist with this bathroom. One is two bros (or a girl and her she-bro) are forced to rub thighs while they flex it out. Plus side: there can be a high five celebration for a job well done or there is support for when things don't go as well as planned. Down side: extraordinarily disgusting.

The second scenario is a couple can share an experience together like no other. In fact, the couple can hold hands the entire time they are in the bathroom, depending on how good one may be at unfastening belts and pants with one hand. Plus side: gazing into your loved ones eyes and understanding them in a time few couples can understand. Down side: no one ever needs to be this close to their boyfriend/girlfriend while they release the concentrated evil that is inside of them.

The third and, in my opinion, best scenario is the stranger session. This would be two people who have never met, who are then forced to share an experience that they never thought they'd share with the closest of people in their lives. It is my favorite because it embodies my favorite sort of awkwardness. I imagine that people would attempt to be polite and hold in their gas, struggling to release a silent fart. It would be as silent a bathroom session could be with an occasional subdued cough. Upside: a great adventure with a new friend. Downside: exceptionally horrid experience with a person you hope to never see again.

I don't know which experience this establishment had planned for when they installed this porcelain pair but it fascinates me to no end.

Porn in a Cup

NEW YORK — A Brooklyn coffee shop is offering customers a real jolt: 10 shots of espresso in a single serving with the nickname "porn in a cup."

The Pulp & The Bean in the Crown Heights neighborhood put the item on the menu on Tuesday with the official name of "Dieci," Italian for "10." The nickname comes from a sign advertising the drink outside the store, whose specialty item was first reported by the New York Daily News.

Shop owner Tony Fisher, 37, said sales were brisk in part because "nobody's ever had the chutzpah to do anything like this before."

"This is for the person who wants to experience the limits of where coffee and espresso can go," he said of the drink, which weighs in at 20 ounces.

Fisher opened his shop specializing in latte coffee and chai tea about a year ago in a neighborhood that has traditionally been split between Orthodox Jews and Caribbean immigrants but has seen an influx of young professionals and gays who make up the bulk of his clientele.

Fisher came up with the idea after finding that a double espresso was not enough.

"Sometimes I'll drink a double espresso and say to myself, 'I need another double.' And then another double will turn into another double. And I was like, why not drink a full cup?"

The beverage is not for everyone, especially considering such a large dose of caffeine can increase heart rate and blood pressure.

"I won't sell it to anybody in their 40s and up," Fisher said. "I'll just tell them I can offer an alternative."

I really don't think I've ever heard chutzpah other than on Coffee Talk with Linda Richman. But other than that I'm on board with this drink. You could say you want ten shots of espresso so why not American it up and call it porn in a cup?

A double not strong enough? Throw in eight more shots. That oughta do it.

I could handle the caffeine of this drink. I couldn't handle the actual bean juice. But if I'm ever looking for a safe alternative to a colonic then I will grab myself a cup of porn in Brooklyn.

That said, every porn in a cup should come with one free roll of toilet paper for the safety of others.

Dirty Money

Last week, we reported that Steve Wilson, of the St. Louis company DoodyCalls Pet Waste Removal, found $58 worth of chewed currency in a pile of doggy doo. And it turns out that these now-famous bills might be worth far more than $58 to the Humane Society of the United States. Dog owner Karen Linn is auctioning the actual bills, eaten by her dog Fozzie, on eBay. She wants to use the money that was consumed by her own rescued shelter dog to help shelter dogs across the nation.

But that's not her only motivation. "I want to draw attention to the fact that if you're not careful, your dog can chew up and swallow just about anything," Linn said. Money isn't the only thing Fozzie, her golden-doodle -- a golden retriever and poodle mix -- has eaten. "He once ate one of my bras," she told AOL News, adding that the 110-pound pooch passed the entire garment in one piece.

Unbelievable. The nerve of some people. She's auctioning off money that her dog ate to raise awareness to the fact that dogs sometimes eat things that aren't food. I think the only person that needs to be more aware of the situation is you, Karen. Maybe instead of this stupid waste of time auction you could just not leave your bras laying around everywhere and maybe put your money in your wallet. Another idea is to actually train your dog to not eat things in your house that aren't dog food. It sounds to me like you have a dumb ass dog that you're probably starving to death. So call off the auction because no one wants your crap covered cash.

Step Away From the Bacon

"Rainbow Bacon was invented by Neil Caldwell,"

"You can now accent any dish with a colorful array of bacon, presumably soaked in some sort of dye."

I've made my thoughts on Bacon clear before. I love bacon and think it is an amazing compliment to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But I also believe that bacon is fine just the way it is. I've almost converted vegans back to meat because of bacon. That's how good bacon is. But for some reason people keep trying to change this delectable fatty meat.

There must be a guy hired to help bacon expand into areas of the market it doesn't belong (like chocolate bacon or baconaise) and he needs to relax. There is no need for rainbow bacon. Listen to me bacon man! Don't you remember the colored ketchups Heinz came out with? If you don't remember, that makes sense because they were shit. I was a kid when they came out and I didn't think they were cool. Kids aren't going to like rainbow bacon, chefs aren't going to like rainbow bacon, and adults are too set in their ways to buy a pack of rainbow bacon. So, bacon man, why don'y you focus on converting vegetarians and vegans back to meat, or at least back to bacon, before you start soaking the best part of any meal in food coloring.

Uh Oh! Spaghettios

Campbell Soup Co. is recalling nearly 15 million pounds of canned SpaghettiOs with meatballs because of possible under-processing, the U.S. agriculture department said.

The recall includes 14.75-ounce cans with a use-by date between June 2010 and December 2011 of three varieties of the product: "SpaghettiOs with Meatballs," "SpaghettiOs A to Z with Meatballs" and "SpaghettiOs Fun Shapes with Meatballs (Cars)."

The cans were produced in Paris, Texas, between December 2008 and June 2010, and shipped to retail customers nationwide, according to Campbell Soup.

The company discovered the problem during a routine warehouse inspection and investigation, the Department of Agriculture's Food Safety and Inspection Service said.

Well this is just terrible isn't it? These delicious soggy noodles, ketchup, and meat lumps are being recalled, which is awful because I love my low grade meat lumps. What I find most interesting is the production date of the cans being recalled. Anything produced from 2008 to present is dangerous to eat. That means for 2 1/2 years they've been undercooking their meat. During a routine inspection someone walks by the meat and says, "Hey did you guys know that we haven't been cooking the meat?" Clearly there are some quality cooks working over there at the Campbell Soup Co.

What ever happened to spaghettios anyway? I feel like I haven't seen or heard anything about them in the last 10 years. There used to be commercials with a cool 90's style noodle that would skate around the classroom throwing high quality products to all of the children. I always found that much more terrifying and dangerous than cool. Imagine you are in fourth grade and someone mentions they have spaghettios. The next thing you know a 7 foot circular noodle starts grinding and kick flipping around the room, all the while spiking heaving cans at you and your terrified classmates. But hey, at least the meatballs were cooked back then.

More Bacon Please

Sizzling-Hot Market for 'Bacon-trepreneurs'

-Ed Mazza

(March 1) -- It's easier than ever to bring home the bacon.

Salaries may be flat, unemployment is still high, but bacon is turning up in everything from candy bars to breath mints, even as first lady Michelle Obama and health officials talk about the growing problem of America's growing waistline.

Even restaurants are busy bringing on the grease: A recent study by the Chicago-based research firm Mintel found that menu items with bacon at both fast-food and full-service restaurants are up 26.5 percent since 2005.

Tired of the same old chocolate bunny? Try a bacon caramel Easter egg, available at Vosgeschocolate.com.

"Why not?" says Justin Esch, one of the self-described "bacon-trepreneurs" behind Bacon Salt. "Bacon is the most powerful force in the world. It's not even a joke."

He's very serious when he says this, but what would you expect from the man who helped create Baconaise, bacon lip balm and bacon-flavored envelopes?

"It turns out you can even add bacon to chocolate and make it better," says this bacon evangelist.

It's true -- Vosges Haut-Chocolat sells high-end chocolates with chunks of crispy applewood bacon. And it's not some odd item designed solely to draw attention, either.

"It's turned out to be our best seller," says owner-chocolatier Katrina Markoff. Her bacon chocolates outsell her other top treats by a 2-1 margin.

She also sells bacon chocolate pancake mix and bacon caramel toffee. Next up: a bacon twist on the classic chocolate Easter egg.

"I'm doing a soft bacon and caramel for Easter," she said. "It's like a bacon and eggs thing."

Bacon blended into chocolate is barely the beginning of this fatty fad. One San Diego restaurant, The Linkery, actually has an ice cream sandwich called the Lardo with chunks of candied bacon in it. You can begin your mornings with bacon-flavored coffee and cap your evening with a shot of Bakon Vodka.

And then there's the Bacon Explosion, a thick roll of bacon and sausage wrapped in bacon.

"I think bacon is popular because it's arguably the most delicious food of all time," said David Wahl, marketing manager of the novelty firm Archie McPhee. Bacon-themed items are the backbone -- or is it the fatback? -- of the operation, with items ranging from bacon-flavored jellybeans and mints to bandages and wallets that look as if they were fashioned from strips of the delicious meat.

Those products, he says, are routinely among their best-selling items.

"In our health-conscious society, bacon has almost taken on the edge of a rebel food," he says. "Really enjoying bacon and advertising that fact is almost daring someone to tell you you're wrong."

Bacon even has the power to lead vegetarians astray.

Markoff, the chocolatier, was a vegetarian herself when she developed her "baconized" candy bar. As she searched for the right blend of bacon and chocolate, she began to sample her creations, telling herself it was just for test purposes.

She quickly discovered she wasn't alone.

"It's amazing how many people are in the closet about their die-hard love for bacon," she said.

Bacon Salt's Esch agrees.

"It's pretty well known that bacon is the gateway meat," he deadpans. "That's how you bring them back in."

I love bacon as much as the next guy but come on!

Ok sit down America, we need to talk. It's not easy to say this but... You have an eating disorder. When you start your day with a cup of bacon with bacon pancakes, because breakfast must taste like bacon for every bite and sip, and then seriously talk about wrapping bacon in bacon then it's time to reevaluate yourself as a human being.

The only time the discussion on dipping bacon in chocolate should ever come up is after your third or fourth bong rip. And how much of a fat alcoholic do you have to be to be drinking bacon vodka!?

That said I would like to reiterate the fact that I love bacon and while I disagree with baconaise and bacon ice cream sandwiches; I think that bacon envelopes is a fucking sweet idea. I have never licked an envelope and been able to think about anything other than possibly dying like George Costanza's wife or the awful taste, so bring on the bacon envelopes.

Cat Eater

Does Giueseppe Bigazzi sound like the name of someone that likes a feline feast?

No?

Well, actually yes.

This guy is a kind of like the Emeril of Italy, but older. The other day he announced on his show that he likes to chomp on some nice cat meat from time to time. Who needs chicken when you have a fine kitty delicacy, right?

So next time you're in the food court maybe get Panda Express and avoid Sbarro. Also, be careful of Emeril's recipes since he's... one of them.

PABS

Have you ever heard something so stupid that it causes your body to ache? Every now and then I see someone like Snookie on television or I see the genius product “Micro S’mores” and my soul twists up. By the way if you haven’t seen “Micro S’mores” then I urge you to watch the commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-EGA_8NsHc. It’s just so stupid that I can’t keep it to myself.

Anyway, the most recent thing I’ve heard that hurts me down to my core is the “Pet Anti Breeding System” (PABS). This is essentially a chastity belt for dogs. As if it isn’t enough to neuter and spay our pets but now, Mr. Dexter Blanch feels (creator of PABS), it is necessary to humiliate them. This chastity belt is not just a pair of shorts for your pup but an insane 8-lock mechanism that strap the dogs in. There is also a mesh pad for the heated lady dog, which the owner will have to rinse out. This is for the dog owner that wants to take nasty to the next level because picking up shit is just not disgusting enough.

The actual PABS slogan is “When the heat is on, lock it, and stop it.”

I believe that this product was created because Blanch hates both people and dogs. If the product itself isn’t evidence enough I have information that should convince you.

Two years ago Blanch was shot in the arm by his beagle. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. This dog defied all logic by shooting a gun without the use of thumbs. Blanch nearly lost his arm from the incident and claims that the “accident” gave him a lot of time to think about a product that would help pets and their owners.

I really don’t see the connection between a dog that does something miraculously evil and a chastity belt. Unless getting shot by his dog led to ridicule by people, for obvious reasons, which led to a two year long plot to humiliate both dogs and people with the most disgusting and ridiculous product for dogs ever created…