Who Could Have Guessed?

Ricky Martin is ‘a fortunate homosexual man’

- Access Hollywood

NEW YORK - After years of keeping quiet about his personal life, pop star Ricky Martin has announced that he is gay.

“I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man,” Ricky said in a message posted on his official Web site. “I am very blessed to be who I am.”

....Martin also tweeted a link to his coming out announcement on his Web site, simply writing, “my life.” In an earlier tweet on Monday, the singer posted a quote attributed to the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. M.L.K.Jr.,” he wrote.

I know that everyone in the nation is shocked right now but let's try to pull it together people. It's hard to believe that this beacon of manliness could ever be gay, right?

I'm sorry Ricky Martin but I don't understand why you waited past your release of "Shake Your Bon-Bon" to come out. I don't think there has been a straight man to wear leather pants that wasn't gay since the 80's. Also, I thought I covered this topic already when Meredith Baxter came out on the Today Show. When everyone already knows you're gay then it's not coming out and people don't care. If you really want to make a stir then you should have come out as a heterosexual.

One more thing. White people need to stop comparing themselves to great African-American leaders and revolutionaries. Yes it's a good quote but I think Dr. King was going for the whole speak up so a whole race isn't taken advantage of. I'm not sure he meant, tell everyone you're gay even if they already think you're gay.

Oh and Ricky... has anyone ever told you you look like Dane Cook?

Who Cares?

This is actually news. A television star from the 80's came out of the closet!

NO WAY!!!

Speaking on behalf of my entire generation, nobody cares Baxter. First of all, you are old and that automatically means you are boring unless you are Clint Eastwood. Second you are clearly just bored with your life. You claim that the tabloids were spreading that you might be a sneaky lesbian, so you thought you should tell the world the truth. But you also said that your friends, family, and even former cast members have known the truth for years. Maybe it's your gay logic, but you lost me...

If you are bored then start a foundation or something or maybe even get back in to acting. It's great that you are a lesbian and all but your appearance on the Today Show really is a pathetic attempt to get back into the spotlight. You should have tried it before there were successful shows like "Will and Grace" or "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

You should have taken a tip from Andre Agassi, America's favorite athlete and meth head. He knew what to do when no one wanted to hear about his life anymore. He knew that he had to go bigger than gay, so he told the world that he used to do meth... once. He had a whole minute dedicated to him on sportscenter and when people heard the news that day they even talked about it for a few minutes.


No one is talking about you, other than me. Next time you miss the spotlight please remember, meth is the new gay.

How Much?

I’d like to first start off with apologizing to any woman that may read this for the piggish attitude of men. We are disgusting creatures but then again who doesn’t love a good mud fight.

I don’t know if all men have done this at some point in their lives but I do know that I’ve been involved in a certain conversation on multiple occasions that I didn’t ever bring up. It’s the conversation of how much money it would take to do something. This usually starts off with something like “How much money would it take you to eat shit?”

Hilarious.

Then the conversation evolves into something more. It becomes a much more theoretical how much. For instance: how much money would it take for a random upstanding female citizen on the street to have sex? That’s always a good one. (Told you we were gross ladies).

So we sit around and laugh and try to figure out what the magic number for a celebrity like Eva Longoria would be, or whoever gets your dick to twitch, and then it happens. Someone asks the gay question.

“How much would it take for you to suck a dick?”

Everyone boos for the most part but then people actually start discussing it. They say they’d do it for a billion or a trillion. They justify it by saying that a trillion dollars could buy you anything you wanted and the memory of the fellatio would be nothing compared to the fun you would have. But I say nothing could make me do that. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means homophobic, I just don’t want to suck a dick, ever. A gay man turning down sex from Giselle wouldn’t surprise you. No one ever believes me and accuses me of lying. They say that if I were presented with a trillion dollars that I would “have to” do it. I firmly say no and I will tell you why.

I am going to share something with all of you that I have never told anyone in my life. I figured this would be the proper venue considering that everyone in my life can read it.

When I was a freshman in college (I know you’re all excited to see where this goes) I made plans with a group of friends to see Billy Joel. He was coming on campus and we expected to have a student discount to the show. The tickets went on sale months in advance but unfortunately, with no student discount. So of the eight of us that made plans to see the show only myself and one other person actually purchased a ticket. This was fine with me because I had never seen Billy Joel and I was very excited to see him. A couple months went by and it wasn’t until the day of the show, it wasn’t until we were actually walking to the doors of the arena, did I realize what I had done. It was Valentines Day. I was on a date with a guy on Valentines Day at a Billy Joel concert. When I realized what I had done I felt like I had just chugged vodka expecting water. The whole night we received stares from the almost entirely elderly audience because, yes we really did stand out that much. Some even made comments, “You two are so brave!” It was absolutely horrifying. The only positive thing I took away from that experience is that I have way more respect for gay couples now.

To this day I am haunted by that event.

There is a point to me reliving this mortifying event. Based on the events of that day and how it has affected me in my life then there is no way that I could handle sucking a dick. The ratio of gay experience to humiliation would be too much for me to handle.