Class Act

A 49-year-old man is in Sullivan County Jail without bail after authorities say he showed up for a court hearing on a felony DWI charge drunk and carrying an open can of Busch beer, plus four more cans in a bag.

The Middletown Times Herald-Record reports that Keith Gruber of Swan Lake was an hour and a half late for his court appearance Monday before Sullivan County Judge Frank LaBuda, who asked him if he enjoyed his "liquid lunch."

Gruber said he did, then said he was sorry.

LaBuda sent him to jail with no bail.

"It was obvious he was intoxicated," LaBuda said.

Gruber, who has prior DWI convictions, was arrested on Dec. 27 in the town of Liberty and was out on $30,000 cash bail.



I congratulate this man. He is a shining figure of Americantude ©. If only I had the moxie to show up to my court date with a cool refreshing American brewed (German owned) Busch. And it wasn't some sissy Busch Light. This was a Busch Classic, no a Busch Original, no! A Busch Heavy, for a bold man who makes bold decisions. He bought a sixer with the intent of finishing all seis of those crisp and delightful cans of U.S.A. sweetness. He didn't stop to think about any repercussions because he lives on the edge, which is probably how he was driving when he got his DUI, on the edge of the guard rail and the road. Patriotically enough, this Grade-A citizen was arrested in the town of Liberty. A prime display of Americantude ©.

Hot Wheels

POLICE nabbed a trio of thieves in southern Sweden after they used wheelchairs as getaway vehicles but literally forgot to cover their tracks.

Ttwo men and a woman allegedly cleaned out two basement storage areas of an apartment, Swedish news website The Local reported, citing the Kvallsposten newspaper.

Police caught up with them after they followed tracks in the snow left by two of the wheelchair-bound suspects.

"People had seen them at the spot, but they had managed to escape. However, since two of them were in wheelchairs, they did not get very far.

The tracks were not difficult to follow in the snow. We did not even need a dog," Leif Nilsson, a police officer, told Kvallsposten.

The suspects were all previously known to police, but none were known to have used wheelchairs before.

Something tells me these aren't top tier criminals. They might as well have run with weights tied to their feet. Do you think they tied chains to the wheels to get better traction at least?

Given that these three were all making their getaway in wheelchairs I don't think they could have "cleaned out" any storage areas. That is unless they were dragging the things with the wheelchairs... which actually sounds about right for these criminal masterminds.

Hopefully next time they try a stunt like this they will be smart enough to at least use scooters.

And I occasionally make a spelling error or Ttwo but I'm not paid to write. Everyone involved with this story did a great job.

Straight Killer

BRADENTON, Fla., Oct. 4 (UPI) -- A Florida man used water guns and water balloons to spray weed killer on his neighbor's plants because he was owed money for drugs, police said.

Bradenton police said Paul Ewing, 35, was pulled over Thursday for driving with a suspended license and admitted he had been spraying his neighbor's flowers and bushes with Roundup weed killer because he was upset about money the neighbor owed him for drugs, the Bradenton (Fla.) Herald reported Monday.

Ewing, who estimated the landscaping damage at $250, said he used water guns to spray plants in the front yard and threw water balloons into the back yard.

Police said the incidents took place from May 1 to July 1.

Ewing was charged with criminal mischief with property damage and released from Manatee County jail after posting $500 bail.

This guy is real gangster, look at that face. Wait a minute though. Doesn't weed killer come in a spray bottle? Well let's give the guy the benefit of the doubt, maybe he bought the economy size and there was no sprayer. Clearly the necessary action was to purchase a super soaker AND water balloons. I bet he even held the super soaker sideways when he shot the plants. And we all know that drug addicts don't care about anything more than their gardens. This is the perfect revenge. Plus he took two months to do it. Just one water balloon of roundup per week I guess. That way the guy that owes him money thinks that his plants are dying because of his own negligence. A much tastier revenge than if here were to simply rip the flowers out of the ground or let's say if he just punched the guy in the face and demanded his money.

THUG LIFE.

Nice Undies

(AP) PHOENIX (AP) - A Phoenix jail inmate was left wearing nothing but pink socks after scaling five fences in an escape attempt before he was captured. The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office says 24-year-old Clayton Thornburg suffered cuts on parts of his body since some of the Durango Jail's fences are 15 feet high and topped with razor wire.

Jail officials said the razor wire had stripped away Thornburg's jail uniform and pink underwear by the time he reached the last fence Thursday morning. He was treated at the Maricopa County Medical Center.

Authorities said Thornburg likely will face an additional felony charge of escape, which can add up to five years to an inmate's sentence. They said Thornburg was in jail for an extensive number of property crime charges.

He suffered cuts on "parts of his body." Hmm... wonder what parts got cut. As if getting caught after your escape from jail isn't bad enough, they have to let everyone know that he was wearing pink underwear and socks. The nice reporters at Phoenix wanted to make sure that people knew, this inmate doesn't just wear socks and underwear. He wears pink socks and underwear. Forget about how he escaped, the guy had pink underwear.

Thuggin

MANGUM, Okla. (AP) - A southwestern Oklahoma sheriff is dressing county inmates in hot pink jumpsuits as a deterrent to crime and to make them easier to spot.

Greer County Sheriff Devin Huckabay says the new suits replace the faded and tattered orange jumpsuits worn until now.

Huckabay says male inmates "don't like wearing them" and that the snazzy jumpsuits therefore are an incentive to not break the law and wind up in jail.

He says the prisoners wearing pink are also "hard to miss" and so can be easily managed when working on community projects or being transferred.

The prison yard is going to look like a bunch of 2002 Cam'ron's. They should have to drive to their community projects in all pink Range Rovers too.

I don't know how much the color of a jumpsuit is going to deter people from committing crimes, by the way. If the thought of getting anally raped, beaten, shanked, or just being stuck away from society hasn't already altered your behavior then I don't think this Purple Haze era jumpsuit will make a difference. Hey I got an idea! Next year we can spray paint their heads and give them silver jumpsuits. Nobody wants to look like Sisqo. Right?