Class Act

A 49-year-old man is in Sullivan County Jail without bail after authorities say he showed up for a court hearing on a felony DWI charge drunk and carrying an open can of Busch beer, plus four more cans in a bag.

The Middletown Times Herald-Record reports that Keith Gruber of Swan Lake was an hour and a half late for his court appearance Monday before Sullivan County Judge Frank LaBuda, who asked him if he enjoyed his "liquid lunch."

Gruber said he did, then said he was sorry.

LaBuda sent him to jail with no bail.

"It was obvious he was intoxicated," LaBuda said.

Gruber, who has prior DWI convictions, was arrested on Dec. 27 in the town of Liberty and was out on $30,000 cash bail.



I congratulate this man. He is a shining figure of Americantude ©. If only I had the moxie to show up to my court date with a cool refreshing American brewed (German owned) Busch. And it wasn't some sissy Busch Light. This was a Busch Classic, no a Busch Original, no! A Busch Heavy, for a bold man who makes bold decisions. He bought a sixer with the intent of finishing all seis of those crisp and delightful cans of U.S.A. sweetness. He didn't stop to think about any repercussions because he lives on the edge, which is probably how he was driving when he got his DUI, on the edge of the guard rail and the road. Patriotically enough, this Grade-A citizen was arrested in the town of Liberty. A prime display of Americantude ©.

Loose Goose

(AP) WAUSAU, Wis. (AP) - Wausau rescued and arrested a drunken man who plunged into the Wisconsin River while chasing a one-legged goose. The 40-year-old Wausau man told officers he wanted to catch the bird and roast it. He said he took off his shirt and shoes Thursday afternoon and jumped into the frigid water.

Authorities said he was overcome by the cold water and had to be rescued by firefighters. Police said the man had been drinking heavily before the stunt.

The man was arrested on an outstanding warrant for bail jumping. Witness Sergio Lopez works by the river. He said he often sees people jump in the water during hot summer days but rarely in October.

Police told the Wausau Daily Herald that as far as they know, the goose is still on the loose.



This guy needs to learn how to drink. I've chased plenty of birds around when I was drunk. A chicken becomes a bucket of KFC in my eyes but that doesn't mean if I catch it that I can make it become that. And sure I may have ended up in a tree, a lake, or even in a strangers home but I always get myself out of those situations. No one comes to save me. Poor performance drunk man (especially given that there's a warrant out for your arrest).

Also, was this a particularly dangerous goose? Of course the goose is on the loose. It's a wild goose. Geese live loosely.

Cabernet From Cleavage Valley

There’s now a perfect gift for the girl who has everything -- including a desire to secretly drink while simultaneously getting a breast lift, the New York Daily News reported Thursday.

The Wine Rack, a sports bra with a plastic “bladder” that can hold an entire bottle of wine, is featured at the BaronBob.com website. “You won’t find this at Victoria’s Secret,” Paul Krasulja of BaronBob boasted to the paper.

“I don’t consider it fine looking lingerie. But it is a good looking piece.”

He won’t get many arguments about the good looking part. Basically the $29.95 device is a black sports bra with a polyurethane bladder inside and a drinking tube long enough to sip from. Add liquid, and the website promises you will “turn an A cup into double D’s.”

And where, exactly, would you want to sport this piece of equipment? The website suggests filling it with wine or cocktails and wearing it to “movies, concerts, ball games, even PTA meetings.”

Are you a lonely housewife who loves to drink and also wishes she had fuller breasts? Are you a high school girl that loves to be drunk at every social event and also really wants bigger boobs? Are you a female alcoholic looking for a way to drink and have larger ta ta's at the same time!? If so, then the "The Wine Rack" is for you!

I think that this product has a major flaw. The woman starts with double D's and as she gets drunker they go back down to A's. If everyone else is sober, then a man will sure as hell notice when a girl with double D's suddenly becomes flat chested.

But I do love that they are marketing this for women who are forced to go to sporting events they are pretending to like. Then there are the PTA meetings, which without a bottle of wine to slug down must be unbearable. Stupid kids, cutting into mommy's drinking.