Comedian to Watch

My comedian this week is Louis C.K. This guy is a balding red head with anger issues. He is hilarious. If you like humor that is right at the edge of acceptable then he is your man. This guy has been a favorite of mine for years but never achieved great success. His humor shocked HBO with his show “Lucky Louie” that was cancelled because it was too offensive. However, recently he has been in a few episodes of “Parks and Recreation” and will have his own show on FX in the fall.

The link below will take you to a clip of his comedy at his website.

http://louisck.com/conan080504.mpg

Off You Go

I’ve always been annoyed by the Omarosas and the Snookies of the world. The people that get famous for being annoying or stupid are cancerous to society. So when I heard about the balloon boy story I thought that it was great that the kid fucked up. It’s obvious that the parents were looking for something to put them in the spotlight and considering the boys father was a failed actor he should have just come out as a recovering meth addict. But the couple decided to go with the flawless balloon story but, fortunately, their son ruined their delusional hopes and dreams of hopping from interview to interview crying, “MY BABBBYY! THE BALLOON TOOK MY BABY!”

It really made me happy to see these people get caught, and on national television! It doesn’t get much better than seeing an idiot fail on TV. They were dismissed pretty quickly by the public, which I also enjoyed, until yesterday when they were back in the news. This time they were in the news because their punishment was announced. It was an exciting day.

The husband was sentenced to 90 days in prison while the wife was sentenced to 20 days and they are going to be charged a fine upwards of $50,000. To this I’d like to say…

HAHA! Losers.

They got what they deserved. If you act like a douche then you should be punished. The last part of their punishment is that for the next four years the couple will not be allowed to make any money related to their stupid little escapade. This is perfect! Nothing would be more of a slap in the face to the public than to have balloon daddy crying and apologizing before he goes to jail only to come out with a book in four months about the whole ordeal. This is a perfect “stop being a pathetic loser” and “you can’t make money without doing something” punishment.

Oh and did you know this family was on Wife Swap?

It’s awful to separate children from their parents but in this case I think the kids are better off without them.

The New Kid

Every year it seems that some studio decides to remake a classic film. Sometimes it can be a great success like with Ocean’s 11, which starred George Clooney and Brad Pitt who were just too cool. Honestly, every guy wants to be Danny Ocean or Rusty Ryan. Another successful remake was Pride and Prejudice, which was kind of gay but it did get nominated for a few Academy Awards.

But most other times you get trash movies like Bad News Bears, a waste of time, The Day the Earth Stood Still, another movie with Keanu Reeves making the same exact facial expressions as always, Rollerball, just sad, or Prom Night, which was just another shitty horror movie. The shit list is far longer that the list of successful films. But while we are on the subject of Keanu Reeves I would like to point out that I find it fascinating this guy finds work. I mean the guy has been nominated for six Razzies and an Oscar doesn’t seem to be in his future. Any movie with him as the lead actor is sure to be a bust.

So Mr. Reeves may or may not have caused the failure of every film he’s been in and is possibly the worst actor in Hollywood but lets talk about Jackie Chan instead. He had those Rush Hour movies that were decent, but nothing great, and he was the voice of the monkey in Kung Fu Panda and I guess that’s pretty cool.

But is pretty cool good enough to replace Mr. Miyagi!?

Yes, it’s true. There is going to be a new Karate Kid and Jackie Chan will be playing Mr. Han, the reincarnation of Mr. Miyagi and Ralph Macchio’s replacement will be Will Smith’s scrawny little kid, Jaden Smith. I just hope Columbia Pictures doesn’t completely ruin something we all love.

Everyone knows The Karate Kid. Wax on Wax off. Come on!

The movie is going to take place in China but otherwise it is the same plot. So the question is how can this movie be better?

Lines that reference pop culture? Sweet camera angles? Better acting? Is there going to be a line better than wax on wax off? Well they’ve tried to make a new lasting line anyway, with “jacket on, jacket off.”

The movie doesn’t look all that bad but I worry that Ralph Macchio is still too close to our hearts. The new version better be more than good or I have a feeling a lot of people will be unhappy.

Here is a link to the movie trailer. You can decide for yourself what you think of “jacket on, jacket off.”

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/the-karate-kid-2010/trailer

Comedian to Watch

I’d like to take a break from my regular hilarious writing to point out the comedy of others. Once a week I will be delivering you a new comedian that you should know if you like comedy.

First on my list is Brendan Walsh. He has been around for a while but is just now starting to get the recognition that he deserves. A very hilarious guy who is on the road constantly so if you live in a city he’s been probably been there and will probably be back.

The link below will take you to a clip of his comedy at his myspace page.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=59813422

No One is Safe!

Remember how everything causes cancer and nothing is good for you?

I remember when I was a kid and the people inside the tv said, “No more Lays potato chips because they cause anal leakage and cancer.” I was more concerned with the anal leakage. The next cancerous food was eggs, but then eggs were good for me, then they caused cancer again, and now they are back to just being eggs. Then they said men get cancer because they eat steak but they can’t eat tofu because that actually has estrogen in it, so that’s no good either.

I’m exhausted with being told things are not good for me. If it is less cancerous than a cigarette then don’t bother. I know I’m still going to eat steak and fully enjoy every bite regardless of the “danger” I am putting myself in and it seems to me that steaks are still pretty popular. If people are willing to stand outside of a club to rip a rod or two I think that the Today Show’s new weekly list of cancerous items are pretty worthless to nearly everyone. (Matt Lauer is a creep by the way)

But it isn’t the lecher host of the Today Show that is warning the public. It is the state of Maine. Maine is, potentially, going to have a large non-removable cancer warning printed on all cell phones sold within the state, following the lead of European countries. (When the hell did Maine become the first in line behind trendsetting European countries?) The warning would state that it is unsafe to have a cell phone near your body.

It’s fine to be safe with things like cigarettes. Cigarettes have no practical use unless you’re looking for a nice cough and even now plenty of people smoke. This warning is not going to accomplish a thing. I’m sorry Maine. I love your lobsters, your toothpick factory, your excessive amount of light towers, I love that you have a state cat and it is the “Maine coon cat”, and all of your pine trees but I don’t like this law. Nothing will stop people from using cell phones.

What would we do, use a land-line?

Yeah, right.

Try telling anyone in the corporate world that they can’t use their blackberry and see how that goes. Maybe tell the app obsessed people, with their i phones, to use the house phone?

Nice try Maine but I’d stick to the lobster thing.

2pac on Popes playlist

The pope has a myspace page.

I cannot understand how the pope has a myspace page.

Does anyone see the pope's myspace and decide that they should be catholic?

What does the popes "about me" look like?

"My name is Benedict but my friends my friends call me ♥ Bennnnnyyy ♥ . I enjoy blessings, large silly hats (hehe), love shopping at trader joes, playing with kittens, and listening to 2pac!!!"

Ok so that was a joke, except for the 2pac thing. Yes, not only does the pope have a myspace but he has a playlist and the playlist has 2pac on it.

I have a feeling that if a child stumbles across the pope's myspace page and listens to "changes" they may get the wrong idea about what it is to be catholic. It doesn't seem to fit, and almost seems wrong, for the pope to include this type of music but I can't help but think that I really like that song.

I have to say, though, that I'm torn on the whole thing. One of two things is happening. The men in robes at the vatican decided that they needed to connect to the younger generation or the pope is a thug. While it is more likely that they compromised their values to expand the church I'd like to imagine that the pope puts in a gold grill from time to time.

Now the white catholic families won't know who to blame it on when their "perfect" little children start listening to rap music. That dam pope and his bad influence!

The bottom line is the pope is a g. So parents need to remember that if 2pac is good enough for the church then it's good enough for children.

The church always knows what's best for children, right?

Who Cares?

This is actually news. A television star from the 80's came out of the closet!

NO WAY!!!

Speaking on behalf of my entire generation, nobody cares Baxter. First of all, you are old and that automatically means you are boring unless you are Clint Eastwood. Second you are clearly just bored with your life. You claim that the tabloids were spreading that you might be a sneaky lesbian, so you thought you should tell the world the truth. But you also said that your friends, family, and even former cast members have known the truth for years. Maybe it's your gay logic, but you lost me...

If you are bored then start a foundation or something or maybe even get back in to acting. It's great that you are a lesbian and all but your appearance on the Today Show really is a pathetic attempt to get back into the spotlight. You should have tried it before there were successful shows like "Will and Grace" or "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

You should have taken a tip from Andre Agassi, America's favorite athlete and meth head. He knew what to do when no one wanted to hear about his life anymore. He knew that he had to go bigger than gay, so he told the world that he used to do meth... once. He had a whole minute dedicated to him on sportscenter and when people heard the news that day they even talked about it for a few minutes.


No one is talking about you, other than me. Next time you miss the spotlight please remember, meth is the new gay.

How Much?

I’d like to first start off with apologizing to any woman that may read this for the piggish attitude of men. We are disgusting creatures but then again who doesn’t love a good mud fight.

I don’t know if all men have done this at some point in their lives but I do know that I’ve been involved in a certain conversation on multiple occasions that I didn’t ever bring up. It’s the conversation of how much money it would take to do something. This usually starts off with something like “How much money would it take you to eat shit?”

Hilarious.

Then the conversation evolves into something more. It becomes a much more theoretical how much. For instance: how much money would it take for a random upstanding female citizen on the street to have sex? That’s always a good one. (Told you we were gross ladies).

So we sit around and laugh and try to figure out what the magic number for a celebrity like Eva Longoria would be, or whoever gets your dick to twitch, and then it happens. Someone asks the gay question.

“How much would it take for you to suck a dick?”

Everyone boos for the most part but then people actually start discussing it. They say they’d do it for a billion or a trillion. They justify it by saying that a trillion dollars could buy you anything you wanted and the memory of the fellatio would be nothing compared to the fun you would have. But I say nothing could make me do that. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means homophobic, I just don’t want to suck a dick, ever. A gay man turning down sex from Giselle wouldn’t surprise you. No one ever believes me and accuses me of lying. They say that if I were presented with a trillion dollars that I would “have to” do it. I firmly say no and I will tell you why.

I am going to share something with all of you that I have never told anyone in my life. I figured this would be the proper venue considering that everyone in my life can read it.

When I was a freshman in college (I know you’re all excited to see where this goes) I made plans with a group of friends to see Billy Joel. He was coming on campus and we expected to have a student discount to the show. The tickets went on sale months in advance but unfortunately, with no student discount. So of the eight of us that made plans to see the show only myself and one other person actually purchased a ticket. This was fine with me because I had never seen Billy Joel and I was very excited to see him. A couple months went by and it wasn’t until the day of the show, it wasn’t until we were actually walking to the doors of the arena, did I realize what I had done. It was Valentines Day. I was on a date with a guy on Valentines Day at a Billy Joel concert. When I realized what I had done I felt like I had just chugged vodka expecting water. The whole night we received stares from the almost entirely elderly audience because, yes we really did stand out that much. Some even made comments, “You two are so brave!” It was absolutely horrifying. The only positive thing I took away from that experience is that I have way more respect for gay couples now.

To this day I am haunted by that event.

There is a point to me reliving this mortifying event. Based on the events of that day and how it has affected me in my life then there is no way that I could handle sucking a dick. The ratio of gay experience to humiliation would be too much for me to handle.

My New Passport

This summer I was lucky enough to get an opportunity to travel to Italy. Unfortunately I didn’t know that I was going to Italy until just two weeks before the trip. The reason this is unfortunate is because of the passport office. My passport had expired earlier this year and when you only have two weeks before a trip you are forced to visit this godforsaken place. For those of you that have never been to the passport office I urge you to do whatever it takes to not end up there. Unless you believe that you will never be leaving this country because of your fear of flying or your deathly fear of running into someone who isn’t white, I implore you to renew your passport in a timely manner.

Every single time I have gone near the Tip O’Neill building since that day I can feel myself become angry and instantly exhausted. On the fateful day that I went to that hellish place I arrived at 9:00 a.m. and I scheduled this early appointment so that I could have the rest of my day to do things.

HAH!

I waited for two hours in one line so that I could receive a number just so that I could wait in the next line. This line, which I waited in for another two hours, was a line that led to another evil room where I waited for yet another two hours. I stood for four straight hours! No ride at any theme park makes you wait that long. I have never waited in line for four hours for anything exciting but I waited in this dry awful place in line for four hours so that the government could give me permission to leave the country. What I haven’t even mentioned yet is the unbelievable attitude from the people that worked in this mind-dulling place. Every ten minutes I received a brief interrogation from a security guard, because he thought I was in the wrong line, for whatever reason though I’m betting he was mentally challenged. So as I waited in the wicked room with a rainbow assortment of people I was brewing a chest full of hatred for anything that was government run. When my number was at last called and I was finally granted permission to go to the window, I was forced to wait for twenty minutes while the heavy set woman behind the glass waddled around in circles, seemingly doing nothing at all. Once the woman had hobbled her way to the window she stamped my paper and I was done. ALL OF THAT for a stamp. It blew my mind. It doesn’t make a bit of sense.

Let me paint a clear picture of how you feel when waiting in this office. Imagine you are in a gray room. In this gray room there is one uncomfortable chair. There are speakers on the walls and all they are playing is Enya. There’s a bowl of pretzels in the corner of the room but they are surprisingly dry and happen to be stale. Combine this feeling of boredom and everything that is plain with every bad experience you’ve had with customer service and you will begin to understand what the second floor of the Tip O’Neill building is like.

With my experience under my belt I came to the conclusion that a government worker visited the DMV, or known as the RMV to you weirdo Massachusetts residents, and saw the hatred people felt while they were there. He looked around at the terrible treatment of customers and the long lines. This man observed the misery that is the DMV and he thought to himself,

“This place is just plain awful…”

And then he grinned and he thought.

“But it could be so much worse.”

This was the birth of the passport office





So, readers, what I need you to take away from this is there are certain things we must all do as citizens. We must all remember to pay our bills, pay our taxes, and always have an up to date passport.

Put Down Your Feet

After I had some time to think about my last post I came to the conclusion that it may have come off as too serious. The point of this blog is to point out the stupidity of others and I think I was too gentle on drunken idiots. But what is done is done and I don’t intend to re-visit the area of the drunken fools.

Today’s topic is a topic that brings me to the brink of insanity every day I spend in class. I am speaking of classroom etiquette. I am speaking of retards that think its ok to take their shoes off and put their feet on the desk in front of them. This is a common occurrence in the classroom and those of you who do this are assholes. No one wants to smell your feet, no one wants to see your crusty toes, and no one likes you from the moment you take your shoes off. The classroom is not a living room and when you take your shoes off you are bothering everyone around you not to mention disrespecting your professor. It shocks me when a professor doesn’t tell a student to put their nasty hooves away when they are trying to teach but what is most surprising is that this person does not even realize that people are glaring at them.

Put your fucking shoes on.

Next there is the habit of students that I hate above all others. This is the event that occurs, when a student raises their hand and open their idiotic lips to utter the words that I fear will cause my death due to a severe and violent aneurism. When a student says “I was just gonna say…” followed by something equally as moronic. I restrain myself every single time this is said from attacking this person with words and/or fists. A large knot in my chest is forming even as I type this.

Let me explain why I hate this brainless pre-cursor to a, likely stupid, insight on classroom discussion. This person was not about to say anything. They were called on and were patiently waiting to be called on by their professor. What is it they were “just gonna say” exactly?

NOTHING.

They weren’t just about to say anything. No one cut them off, no one interrupted them, and they weren’t in the middle of a point at any time during the class. I can’t make this any clearer. If you say this in class I will immediately have no respect for you and you are a poor excuse for a human being.


That’s all for now.

You Win

With my very first post I’d like to touch on a subject that is dear to all our hearts. That is the subject of drinking. It is part of our nature as college students to drink and to drink heavily. The antics that ensue are timeless classics.

We all, generally, enjoy drinking whether it’s someone’s birthday or if it’s just a Friday. At some point we have all sat around and had our high class discussions about how we are going to go get fucked up and how the night is going to be a shit show. Here enters the paradox of the college lifestyle.

The goal is to get “fucked up” and everyone that is out drinking is working towards that goal, striving and working to reach the finish line that is blurred vision and poor decisions. BUT the very first person to reach this goal has not won anything but is in fact made to feel like the loser.

We have all been there. You get drunk and you enjoy your night but you maybe drank a little faster and a little more than the rest. Then instead of enjoying the winners circle you are hearing your friends point out the fact that you are drunk.

“Hey buddy, you’re pretty wasted aren’t you?”

To which the typical response is, “I’m good… I mean I’m buzzed but not drunk. I’m not drunk!”

You are then the joke of the night and you didn’t win anything at all. You may not realize it because you’re too drunk but people are laughing about how ridiculous you are and glad they’re not at your level. You act like a fool and unintentionally are embarrassing yourself.

BUT then in the morning when the re-hashing begins; the drunk one is now the winner. The stories of drunk escapades are funny for all because they are in the past. Everyone laughs about who was drunk and whoever was the drunkest has the best stories.

To all of this I say to those who drink to be the winner you are probably a stupid person because you’re not winning at all. Know that you’re a stupid person but if that’s ok with you then please continue your lifestyle because you do provide entertainment.

Introduction

I would like to first start off with introducing myself and giving a brief explanation as to what this blog is meant to do.

I am a 21 year old student that attends a certain school in New England that won the division 1 hockey national championship in 2009. I am interested in pointing out the stupidity of others. I truly do believe that people can be one of three types. The first type is stupid. A stupid person is one who does very inconsiderate things and unintelligent things but is unaware that they do them, simple enough. The second type is the asshole. An asshole is one who does very inconsiderate and unintelligent things and is very aware of what it is they are doing. The third type is the good person, the genuine person, or whatever you would like to label that person as. This person is neither inconsiderate nor unintelligent and thinks carefully about how their actions may affect others and how it will benefit them. This person is very level headed and reasonable and this person is almost non-existent. Unfortunately nearly everyone falls into one of the first two categories. I'm clearly an asshole for even creating a blog such as this but there are degrees of each category and I'd like to say that I'm not a huge asshole but you can judge that.

With that said I'd like to give a brief explanation as to what this blog will entail.

I plan to point out the stupid people and the assholes of this world and bring it to everyone's attention. I intend to emphasize the little things that everyone does that does in fact make one stupid or an asshole. I hope to enlighten you all and possibly change your ways but more importantly I hope to make you laugh. People will undoubtedly cause me stress and cause me to become quite angry but at the end of the day it's important to laugh it off. So, enjoy what I have to say and even if people bother you, learn to laugh about it.