Damn Cleaners

FORT WALTON BEACH — A 63-year-old man was arrested July 13 on charges of battery.

On June 29, the man went into Aunt Susan's Laundry on Hollywood Boulevard and asked the woman working if he could show her some stains on his clothing and the woman agreed, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff's report.

The man also asked for Shout Triple-Acting stain remover to spray on his clothes. The woman handed him the bottle, which had only a small amount of remover left.

The man became angry and yelled at the woman, "How are you going to get the (expletive) stain out? You guys didn't get it out last time!"

The woman said her manager could bring in another bottle of stain remover, but the man continued to yell obscenities and curse at the woman.

The man also picked up the stain remover bottle and threw it at the woman hitting her in the leg causing the liquid to spill onto the floor.

The man was later contacted by phone. He told deputies he was on his way out of town.

When the deputy requested the man return or he would get an arrest warrant the man stated, "Do your warrant then!"

Well that was silly. How is Auntie Susan going to get the stain out if you spilled the Shout!? You can't get mad. Shout is the number one stain remover! I'm sure that even though the bottle didn't have much liquid left that there was another bottle or two in the back. And "shout it out" is just their slogan in case you were confused. You aren't supposed to throw the bottle and yell, doesn't work that way.

You should probably learn to pick your battles. Yes dry cleaners are annoying, don't get stains out, and break the buttons on shirts a lot but maybe don't get arrested for a stain. Just a thought.

Comedian to Watch

This is Myq (sounds like Mike) Kaplan, a BU alum. Weird name and a dorky guy but very funny. Check out the videos "Squares or Rectangles," "Fighting Ignorance," and his Last Comic Standing performance on his web page.

http://myqkaplan.com/

Cabernet From Cleavage Valley

There’s now a perfect gift for the girl who has everything -- including a desire to secretly drink while simultaneously getting a breast lift, the New York Daily News reported Thursday.

The Wine Rack, a sports bra with a plastic “bladder” that can hold an entire bottle of wine, is featured at the BaronBob.com website. “You won’t find this at Victoria’s Secret,” Paul Krasulja of BaronBob boasted to the paper.

“I don’t consider it fine looking lingerie. But it is a good looking piece.”

He won’t get many arguments about the good looking part. Basically the $29.95 device is a black sports bra with a polyurethane bladder inside and a drinking tube long enough to sip from. Add liquid, and the website promises you will “turn an A cup into double D’s.”

And where, exactly, would you want to sport this piece of equipment? The website suggests filling it with wine or cocktails and wearing it to “movies, concerts, ball games, even PTA meetings.”

Are you a lonely housewife who loves to drink and also wishes she had fuller breasts? Are you a high school girl that loves to be drunk at every social event and also really wants bigger boobs? Are you a female alcoholic looking for a way to drink and have larger ta ta's at the same time!? If so, then the "The Wine Rack" is for you!

I think that this product has a major flaw. The woman starts with double D's and as she gets drunker they go back down to A's. If everyone else is sober, then a man will sure as hell notice when a girl with double D's suddenly becomes flat chested.

But I do love that they are marketing this for women who are forced to go to sporting events they are pretending to like. Then there are the PTA meetings, which without a bottle of wine to slug down must be unbearable. Stupid kids, cutting into mommy's drinking.

Follow the Hallway for Free Hugs and Candy!

Comedian to Watch

The comedian this week is Jim Gaffigan and if you haven't seen him yet then now is your chance. This guy is a seasoned veteran and it shows. He's had several spots on t.v. and in movies along with a ton of comedy specials. Below are two links to his comedy on youtube. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o-u4IwXkbE&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1B59KNDH0o&feature=related

New Take on Lasagne

It is the snack that draws together the best of British with the very finest of Italian in the most unlikely combination.

Supermarket giant Tesco has come up with a 'limited edition' carb-rich lasagne sandwich.

The supermarket claims it is a world first and has even presented it as a 'healthy option'.

Promotional images of the sandwich released ahead of its launch yesterday showed the nutritional information on the packet displaying just 87 calories and 4.1g of fat.

In reality it has 565 calories, more than a quarter of the maximum recommended for an adult man per day.

The fat content is 26.9g, almost 40 per cent of a man’s maximum. This means that one Tesco lasagne-sandwich is the equivalent of two McDonald’s cheeseburgers, which add up to 595 calories and 24g of fat.

Yum! Nothing beats a ground meat and noodle sandwich. I love me some pre-made sandwiches.

What are the chances this tastes good? Probably slim. I'd much rather have a KFC Double Down. At least that cheesy meat stack looks like a guilty pleasure. The lasagne sandwich looks like a pbj gone wrong.

This Looks Safe

It's Just Medicine

A 62-year-old woman was arrested Wednesday for allegedly having 30 pounds of marijuana at her south Jackson home.

Millie Steverson is charged with possession of marijuana, possession of cocaine, possession of ecstasy, receiving stolen property and convicted felon in possession of a concealed weapon, Hinds County Sheriff Malcolm McMillin said.

The drug bust occurred at Steverson’s home at 2665 Milo Ave. following a tip by a concerned citizen, McMillin said.

Upon searching the home deputies discovered the marijuana, crack cocaine and ecstasy pills, a handgun and a stolen 2008 Lexus.

McMillin said the street value for the drugs is estimated at $200,000.

Steverson told authorities the marijuana was for personal use to treat her glaucoma, McMillin said.

Yeah that weed is for medicinal purposes only. Yep, all 30 pounds of it. Yeah the crack is too... and the ecstasy. Surprisingly enough, the combination of crack, ecstasy, and weed really makes the glaucoma easy to deal with.

You can really only stretch that lie so far. Does her glaucoma explain why she stole a Lexus and probably did so at gunpoint. She couldn't at least get a newer model? Let's be serious, if you're stealing a Lexus you have the get a '10 model. I bet all the other woman drug dealers in their 60's laughed at her.

Drunk Pilot

Don't worry folks, this is completely normal. Just your run of the mill, everyday landing.

Oldest on Earth

Antisa Khvichava, reportedly 130-year-old Georgian woman, looks at her birthday cake during a ceremony marking her birthday at home in the remote mountain village of Sachino 370 km (229 miles) from Georgia's capital Tbilisi, Thursday, July 8, 2010. Authorities in the former Soviet republic of Georgia claim Antisa Khvichava is turning 130, making her the oldest person on Earth. (AP Photo/George Abdaladze)

Would you tap that? Don't lie. You know you would. She's a slamming hotty. I'm calling it right here. Antisa Khvichava is going to be the next cover of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit edition. She's gorgeous but I'm biased. I've always had a thing for older women. I mean look at her with her tuberculosis rag. Nothing sexier.

Do you think she even gets horny anymore. When you're a 130 is absolutely everything life threatening? If she were to have sex I think it's really likely that she would be f***ed to death. But that's a pretty cool way to go out I guess. Maybe she's just waiting for that special someone, willing to have sex with the oldest thing alive.

Comedian to Watch

This comedian is a Chicago native by the name of Hannibal Buress. Great style, really hits with his punchlines. I've attached a link below to his stand-up performed at Comix in New York City. Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp3qmTriq7U

Eat Fresh

There are those who hate their jobs and those who love to hate their jobs. Chris says he is a Subway sandwich maker who falls into the latter category, putting in extra work to make your sandwich suboptimal. He eats your pain with relish. Here's what he does to your sandwich:

I've been working at subway for about a year and a half, and it always amuses me when people complain about not tessellating cheese [ed. see "]. Now, merely to amuse myself, not only do I not tessellate the cheese, but I also leave gaps in the cheese placement so that an indeterminate amount of your bites will be cheeseless.

Also, I put a really small amount of dressing on your sandwich whenever you ask for it. Then when you ask for more, I squirt out a large quantity before you can say stop so that your sandwich has far too much dressing.

Then, when I cut the sandwich in half, I only cut it 3/4ths of the way through so that you have to messily tear the rest of the sandwich yourself.

What a dick! How could he do this to people? One bite with cheese and the next without! I've always had my suspicions that the people at fast food restaurants were evil. I hoped deep down that the people at Subway and McDonald's thought of themselves as sandwich artisans and burger craftsmen. But this guy has confirmed my suspicions. This must be why when I ask for no pickles at McDonald's I seem to always get extra pickles and why when I order iced tea at Burger King they give me fruit punch.

By the way, how exciting is it that Subway is going to tessellate their cheese? I just have to go ahead and look up what tessellating means and I'm sure I'll be thrilled.

What a Victory

"A HEROIN-addicted sex offender has won custody of his young daughter because the girl's mother is considered an even more unsuitable parent.

Child protection campaigners yesterday lashed the Federal Magistrates' Court decision to leave the girl in such conditions as outrageous and "defying logic".

Granting custody of the girl, aged about 5, to the father, the court branded the mother dishonest and criticised her continuing drug use.

The court heard the mother, who has shoplifting and prostitution-related convictions and a history of drug use, left the labour ward to buy heroin soon after giving birth.

The father, who also has a string of convictions, was put on the sex offenders' list after being convicted of wilful and obscene exposure.

But, despite concerns he had taken drugs as recently as last December, and kept a knife and sword collection, the court last month ruled the girl should live with him. "

".....Her drug-screening tests repeatedly indicated the presence of benzodiazepines and opiates. She was even suspected of once taking drugs while in the court precinct arguing for custody."

You know your life is shit when you're fighting for the right to have custody of your daughter and lose out to a heroin addicted sex offender with a sword collection. How do you even lose this battle? Oh yeah, you have to be a kleptomaniac, prostitute, druggy who shows up high to court. That makes sense.

So what does it take to be a good parent? I guess you just have to take less drugs than the other parent.

Nothing More American

EAU CLAIRE, Mich. (AP) - A husband and wife took top honors for the second straight year at the annual cherry pit spitting competition in southwestern Michigan.

Rick "Pellet Gun" Krause, of Tuba City, Ariz., spit a pit 51 feet, 3 inches Saturday for his 16th win at the International Cherry Pit Spitting Championship. Organizers say Krause entered on a motorcycle, dropped to his knees in the spitter's box and ejected the winning pit.

His wife, Marlene, took first place in the women's contest, spitting a pit 34 feet, 6 inches. It was her seventh win.

The Tree-Mendus Fruit Farm, just north of the Indiana border, hosts the event. Orchard owner Herb Teichman launched the competition as a lark 37 years ago, but it now attracts competitors from the U.S. and beyond.

Happy Fourth of July everyone. It's time for barbecues, fireworks, watching Chesnut slam down some dogs and Kobayashi get arrested (Check it out), and of course cherry pit spitting (say that 3x fast). How cool is this couple? Both of them taking home the gold for the second year in a row. And Rick is such a badass, cruising in on his hog, jumping off with reckless abandon, sliding in on his knees (slow motion, of course), and spitting out that competition winning pit. It's too bad "Pellet Gun" is living in the shadow of people like Kobe Bryant and Tiger Woods. They don't even know what it's like to be a real champion. Plus these two are the perfect couple. Wining side by side. Rick isn't bangin' roadies and Marlene won't be smashing his car with his pits because of some infidelity. I wonder if they met while they were spitting pits. Love at first pit spit. Classic.

By the way, 51 and 34 feet, holy shit. I can barely throw that far. Bravo Krause's.

Family Life

Last year, Crystal said her ex-husband showed pornography on a home computer to their two girls, who were eight and nine years old at the time. It happened in Randall County in West Texas.

Crystal believes the incident happened last February. She learned about it months later because her daughters told a counselor. Immediately Crystal contacted police. She wanted prosecutors to file charges against her ex-husband, but there was a roadblock.

Texas law says minors can view pornography if they're accompanied by a parent or guardian. It was originally designed to allow for sex education.

Crystal has partnered with the Dallas-based Lillian Smith Foundation, a family violence foundation, to get the law-re-written. "I think it needs to say it's illegal for all adults to show children porn," said JJ Smith, the President of the Lillian Smith Foundation.

Everyone hurry! Get the popcorn! The movie is about to start. Now honey, that's what is called foreplay. Looks fun doesn't it? One day you can look just like that lady. You might not grow boobs like her but hers aren't real anyway. You can just buy a pair of your own. What's that? Oh that's called doggy style! It's how puppies are made, hehe.

Can you imagine anything creepier than this? I don't believe there is a strictly educational porno that exists. There is no way someone thought that this was a good idea for educational purposes but this is Texas we're talking about. One would think this would be an easy law to repeal but Texas is also the state that allows you to drink with your parents, so maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe Texas is very (creepily) family oriented.

Family first!

Grandma's Girl

UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) - A southwestern Pennsylvania woman who denied leaving her 8-year-old granddaughter behind with stolen goods was ordered to stand trial on shoplifting charges. Elaine Weimer, 50, was ordered to stand trial on Wednesday on charges of retail theft, endangering the welfare of a child, and corruption of minors.

Workers at a Wal-Mart store in South Union Township testified they confronted Weimer about shoplifting on June 23. The girl returned $199 worth of items in reusable shopping bags she was carrying - but the employees said Weimer denied knowing the girl, got in her car and drove away.

The girl was not charged and told state police her grandmother told her "to get stuff for her grandmother and her grandmother made her hold the bags."

What granddaughter? I don't even have any children because I've never been with a man. That little girl must have stole all those things herself. You should really try to find her parents! Bye now!

Love this defense! This little girl must have looked ridiculous holding $200 worth of goods. How can you be so cold and desperate that you are willing to leave your granddaughter to take the rap. I actually had to read this article a few times before I fully understood what this old woman had done. She's like an evil grandmother from an early 90's Disney cartoon. Grandmothers are supposed to be sweet and give you candy you don't really want, like werthers, and write you small checks for holidays that they think is a lot of money, but really isn't. They are not supposed to frame you for shoplifting at Wal-Mart.