Comedian To Watch

The late, the great, Mitch Hedberg. Nothing but one liners makes for a very impressive set, granted not all of them are winners. He pulls it off though. Check him out on these youtube links.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-zFQ9fOTSU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IueXtzdC6kA&feature=related

Lock and Load

HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) -- A woman in Connecticut is facing charges for allegedly sending her 12-year-old son to school with a BB gun and a folding knife so he could protect himself from bullies.

Police say 38-year-old Sylvia Mojica (moe-HEE'-kuh) of Hartford has been charged with risk of injury to a minor. She is expected to appear in court on Friday.

Mojica allegedly gave her son the BB pistol and the folding knife to bring to school on Friday. The boy told school officials that he had the items in his backpack.

Administrators say the boy now faces a suspension or even expulsion. They are also investigating the bullying allegations.

It was not immediately clear if Mojica had a lawyer.

What a great mother. Straight-up risk taker. The boy wasn't even warned to not tell teachers he was carrying weapons. Why? Because she isn't scared of anything. She's the kind of woman that goes for it on fourth and long and sings her own viscous versions of lullabies to her children.


Hush little baby don't be scared,
mama's gonna equip you with fresh hardware

And if that hardware does not strike,
mama's gonna get you a sharp new knife

And if the brand new knife gets broke,
mama's gonna get you some rope

And if that strong rope rips in half,
mama's gonna give you a hammer for class

And if you get caught with that hammer,
mama's gonna go straight to the slammer

And if you go get yourself caught,
mama's gonna wish that you had just fought.

What's More Riveting Than Quilting?

I Like to Party

NICEVILLE — A man who tried to enter the Mullet Festival without paying the $10 admission fee was arrested.

Niceville Police were called to the vendor parking area at the festival after a man tried to re-enter the event after leaving it, according to an arrest report from the Niceville Police Department.

When the officer approached the man, he smelled “the distinct odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from his person and mouth,” the report stated.

The officer told the man he was being trespassed from the event for illegal entry, but the man refused to leave.

He was eventually arrested and charged with disorderly intoxication and trespassing after a warning.

Could you really expect anything else at a mullet festival? Anyone with a mullet at least parties half of the time. Business in the front party in the back. Maybe he got confused and he thought it was "party when you go back."

They reported that he had alcohol on his breath as if it was even necessary. I pretty much always assume anyone with a mullet is going to have alcohol on their breath. That and a strong love of Budweiser.

Niceville, home of the mullet festival and less than 10 percent minorities. Fantastic.

Country Clubbin

ESTERO, Fla. — A woman is under arrest after getting in a fight in a taxicab at Stoneybrook Country Club early Sunday morning.

The sheriff's office report says deputies arrived on the scene to find Jessica Nicole Hincapie and Anna Lemoine fighting.

According to the report, Hincapie was asked repeatedly to stop but refused.

When deputies placed Hincapie under arrest, she allegedly said, "You are in trouble because I am a New Yorker and my brother is CSI" and "My dad paid cash for my Toyota Corolla and I am too rich to go to jail."

Even as she was being taken to jail, deputies say she continued to tell the deputy he was going to be in serious trouble for arresting her.

Hincapie is charged with disorderly conduct.

Her brother is not a part of CSI, he IS CSI. The soundtrack to his life IS a song by The Who. Big mistake Mr. Policeman. You don't have any idea who you're messing with. This bitch drops cash on Corollas.

I mean this diva's daddy drops cash on Corolla's. If that's not big time I don't know what is. Unless daddy is bringin the bills to take home a Civic! Whaaattt, I know it's too much. No one can afford that (wants to do that). How can someone with a daddy so rich go to jail? Oh wait, she covered that. She actually can't go to jail, even though Lil Wayne, Plaxico Burress, and Martha Stewart got sent to jail. Her name is Jessica Nicole Hincapie, her brother is a pinball wizard, and her father has at least ten grand in his savings. These are the Hincapies everyone.

Comedian to Watch

A lot of people don't give British humour (<-- that's how they spell it over there) a chance. That's because it is mostly awful. There are a few exceptions but I have to say that Monty Python is not one of them. Yeah, I said it. Monty Python is overrated. But this guy Ricky Gervais, I don't know if you've heard of him, is pretty hilarious. Check him out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_EXqdJ4L7I


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXTq2_3LfXM

Loose Goose

(AP) WAUSAU, Wis. (AP) - Wausau rescued and arrested a drunken man who plunged into the Wisconsin River while chasing a one-legged goose. The 40-year-old Wausau man told officers he wanted to catch the bird and roast it. He said he took off his shirt and shoes Thursday afternoon and jumped into the frigid water.

Authorities said he was overcome by the cold water and had to be rescued by firefighters. Police said the man had been drinking heavily before the stunt.

The man was arrested on an outstanding warrant for bail jumping. Witness Sergio Lopez works by the river. He said he often sees people jump in the water during hot summer days but rarely in October.

Police told the Wausau Daily Herald that as far as they know, the goose is still on the loose.



This guy needs to learn how to drink. I've chased plenty of birds around when I was drunk. A chicken becomes a bucket of KFC in my eyes but that doesn't mean if I catch it that I can make it become that. And sure I may have ended up in a tree, a lake, or even in a strangers home but I always get myself out of those situations. No one comes to save me. Poor performance drunk man (especially given that there's a warrant out for your arrest).

Also, was this a particularly dangerous goose? Of course the goose is on the loose. It's a wild goose. Geese live loosely.

Beauty Queen

Justin Bieber is ready to give his fans a total beauty treatment.

The 16-year-old singer has partnered with Nicole by OPI to design a collection of nail polishes inspired by his hit songs.

Available exclusively at Wal-Mart starting in December, Bieber's collection of primary color polishes have names like One Less Lonely Girl (lavender), Me + Blue (dark blue) and OMB! (bright red), reports AOL's Style List.

Bieber's first six shades will debut in December, while eight others will hit stores in January.

The teen star, set to release his first book, "Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story," on Oct. 12, will also star in a 3-D movie about his life, due next year.

J-Biebs! This kid has become such a disgusting phenomenon. He's like all the 90's boy bands rolled up into one teenager with perfectly flowing hair. And now a nail polish line, with names for the colors as bad as the titles for his songs. How is Justin Bieber associated with Usher again? Did they meet at dance class? Maybe at a tupperware party? Usher actually has people coaching Bieber on how to manage his success and fame. The only person that should be coaching him is Justin Timberlake, the single person able to make it out of the boy band era with reputation intact.

I think that he's jumping the gun a little bit with his autobiography and a movie about his life (In 3-D of course. Tweens gotsta get their Biebs in every dimension possible). He's only been famous for about a year. That would be like Jonathan Taylor Thomas coming out with a movie about his life right after the second season of Home Improvement.

Permanent Wink

(AP) PHOENIX (AP) - An Arizona woman accidentally glued an eye shut when she mistook super glue for her eye drops. KSAZ-TV said Irmgard Holm of Glendale had cataract surgery a year ago. She was reaching for what she thought was one of her half-dozen eye drop medications. The burning sensation told her immediately something was seriously wrong.

Holm said the eye drops and the super glue bottles are nearly identical.

After putting super glue in her eye, Holm says she tried washing it out. But the quick-drying substance did what it was supposed to and sealed her eye shut.

Holm got to the hospital and staff cut off the hardened glue covering her eye. Once the eye was opened, doctors washed it out to prevent major damage.




Easy mistake if you keep all your tiny bottles together. But given that you're just about blind and the bottles are nearly identical how about you go ahead and keep the eye drops in the bathroom cabinet and the super glue under the kitchen sink. Or just don't do a lot of work with super glue at all. I'm just spit balling here. Maybe don't keep your Krazy Glue, Visine, and Sweet Breath on the same shelf is all I'm saying.

Straight Killer

BRADENTON, Fla., Oct. 4 (UPI) -- A Florida man used water guns and water balloons to spray weed killer on his neighbor's plants because he was owed money for drugs, police said.

Bradenton police said Paul Ewing, 35, was pulled over Thursday for driving with a suspended license and admitted he had been spraying his neighbor's flowers and bushes with Roundup weed killer because he was upset about money the neighbor owed him for drugs, the Bradenton (Fla.) Herald reported Monday.

Ewing, who estimated the landscaping damage at $250, said he used water guns to spray plants in the front yard and threw water balloons into the back yard.

Police said the incidents took place from May 1 to July 1.

Ewing was charged with criminal mischief with property damage and released from Manatee County jail after posting $500 bail.

This guy is real gangster, look at that face. Wait a minute though. Doesn't weed killer come in a spray bottle? Well let's give the guy the benefit of the doubt, maybe he bought the economy size and there was no sprayer. Clearly the necessary action was to purchase a super soaker AND water balloons. I bet he even held the super soaker sideways when he shot the plants. And we all know that drug addicts don't care about anything more than their gardens. This is the perfect revenge. Plus he took two months to do it. Just one water balloon of roundup per week I guess. That way the guy that owes him money thinks that his plants are dying because of his own negligence. A much tastier revenge than if here were to simply rip the flowers out of the ground or let's say if he just punched the guy in the face and demanded his money.

THUG LIFE.

Centennifail

It was going to be a momentous day. A veritable treasure trove of local history, preserved and pristine within a time capsule that was buried beneath Pittsburgh, 100 years ago, just waiting to be opened! Then they opened it and discovered what sounds like the bottom of a dank, muddy river.

The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review says the copper container was removed from the cornerstone of the 100-year-old Soldiers & Sailors Memorial Hall & Museum in the Oakland section of Pittsburgh last week. But inside, officials found 11 cents in change, two lead soldiers, a tattered silk flag - and rotted news pulp, Confederate currency and photographs.

I imagine that pile smelled something fierce too.

But what happened? Apparently, when this particular time capsule was buried, 100 years ago, the top was never soldered shut and all sorts of moisture got inside. City officials were undeterred however, and plan to seal a new capsule, with new junk, for a new unsealing 100 years from now. [SFGate]

What's one more disappointment to a dreary city like Pittsburgh? I'm sure they were "undeterred" from this opportunity that only presents itself once every hundred years. Shake it off Pittsburghians (Pittsburghers?). There's always next year... or 3010. Just make sure when you bury your time capsule you are as generous as the previous people of Pittsburgh were with the whopping eleven cents they left!

So don't get down Pittsburghalites. There are good things about your city. You're the second largest city in Pennsylvania. That's... something! Plus you have great sports teams to rally around except for your baseball team, which is suggestively gay and awful. But there's still always Sid the Kid to lead the Penguins and Ben Rapelisberger to lead the Stealing of Virginity.

**and Ben Rothlisberger to lead the Steelers.