How Much?

I’d like to first start off with apologizing to any woman that may read this for the piggish attitude of men. We are disgusting creatures but then again who doesn’t love a good mud fight.

I don’t know if all men have done this at some point in their lives but I do know that I’ve been involved in a certain conversation on multiple occasions that I didn’t ever bring up. It’s the conversation of how much money it would take to do something. This usually starts off with something like “How much money would it take you to eat shit?”

Hilarious.

Then the conversation evolves into something more. It becomes a much more theoretical how much. For instance: how much money would it take for a random upstanding female citizen on the street to have sex? That’s always a good one. (Told you we were gross ladies).

So we sit around and laugh and try to figure out what the magic number for a celebrity like Eva Longoria would be, or whoever gets your dick to twitch, and then it happens. Someone asks the gay question.

“How much would it take for you to suck a dick?”

Everyone boos for the most part but then people actually start discussing it. They say they’d do it for a billion or a trillion. They justify it by saying that a trillion dollars could buy you anything you wanted and the memory of the fellatio would be nothing compared to the fun you would have. But I say nothing could make me do that. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means homophobic, I just don’t want to suck a dick, ever. A gay man turning down sex from Giselle wouldn’t surprise you. No one ever believes me and accuses me of lying. They say that if I were presented with a trillion dollars that I would “have to” do it. I firmly say no and I will tell you why.

I am going to share something with all of you that I have never told anyone in my life. I figured this would be the proper venue considering that everyone in my life can read it.

When I was a freshman in college (I know you’re all excited to see where this goes) I made plans with a group of friends to see Billy Joel. He was coming on campus and we expected to have a student discount to the show. The tickets went on sale months in advance but unfortunately, with no student discount. So of the eight of us that made plans to see the show only myself and one other person actually purchased a ticket. This was fine with me because I had never seen Billy Joel and I was very excited to see him. A couple months went by and it wasn’t until the day of the show, it wasn’t until we were actually walking to the doors of the arena, did I realize what I had done. It was Valentines Day. I was on a date with a guy on Valentines Day at a Billy Joel concert. When I realized what I had done I felt like I had just chugged vodka expecting water. The whole night we received stares from the almost entirely elderly audience because, yes we really did stand out that much. Some even made comments, “You two are so brave!” It was absolutely horrifying. The only positive thing I took away from that experience is that I have way more respect for gay couples now.

To this day I am haunted by that event.

There is a point to me reliving this mortifying event. Based on the events of that day and how it has affected me in my life then there is no way that I could handle sucking a dick. The ratio of gay experience to humiliation would be too much for me to handle.

My New Passport

This summer I was lucky enough to get an opportunity to travel to Italy. Unfortunately I didn’t know that I was going to Italy until just two weeks before the trip. The reason this is unfortunate is because of the passport office. My passport had expired earlier this year and when you only have two weeks before a trip you are forced to visit this godforsaken place. For those of you that have never been to the passport office I urge you to do whatever it takes to not end up there. Unless you believe that you will never be leaving this country because of your fear of flying or your deathly fear of running into someone who isn’t white, I implore you to renew your passport in a timely manner.

Every single time I have gone near the Tip O’Neill building since that day I can feel myself become angry and instantly exhausted. On the fateful day that I went to that hellish place I arrived at 9:00 a.m. and I scheduled this early appointment so that I could have the rest of my day to do things.

HAH!

I waited for two hours in one line so that I could receive a number just so that I could wait in the next line. This line, which I waited in for another two hours, was a line that led to another evil room where I waited for yet another two hours. I stood for four straight hours! No ride at any theme park makes you wait that long. I have never waited in line for four hours for anything exciting but I waited in this dry awful place in line for four hours so that the government could give me permission to leave the country. What I haven’t even mentioned yet is the unbelievable attitude from the people that worked in this mind-dulling place. Every ten minutes I received a brief interrogation from a security guard, because he thought I was in the wrong line, for whatever reason though I’m betting he was mentally challenged. So as I waited in the wicked room with a rainbow assortment of people I was brewing a chest full of hatred for anything that was government run. When my number was at last called and I was finally granted permission to go to the window, I was forced to wait for twenty minutes while the heavy set woman behind the glass waddled around in circles, seemingly doing nothing at all. Once the woman had hobbled her way to the window she stamped my paper and I was done. ALL OF THAT for a stamp. It blew my mind. It doesn’t make a bit of sense.

Let me paint a clear picture of how you feel when waiting in this office. Imagine you are in a gray room. In this gray room there is one uncomfortable chair. There are speakers on the walls and all they are playing is Enya. There’s a bowl of pretzels in the corner of the room but they are surprisingly dry and happen to be stale. Combine this feeling of boredom and everything that is plain with every bad experience you’ve had with customer service and you will begin to understand what the second floor of the Tip O’Neill building is like.

With my experience under my belt I came to the conclusion that a government worker visited the DMV, or known as the RMV to you weirdo Massachusetts residents, and saw the hatred people felt while they were there. He looked around at the terrible treatment of customers and the long lines. This man observed the misery that is the DMV and he thought to himself,

“This place is just plain awful…”

And then he grinned and he thought.

“But it could be so much worse.”

This was the birth of the passport office





So, readers, what I need you to take away from this is there are certain things we must all do as citizens. We must all remember to pay our bills, pay our taxes, and always have an up to date passport.

Put Down Your Feet

After I had some time to think about my last post I came to the conclusion that it may have come off as too serious. The point of this blog is to point out the stupidity of others and I think I was too gentle on drunken idiots. But what is done is done and I don’t intend to re-visit the area of the drunken fools.

Today’s topic is a topic that brings me to the brink of insanity every day I spend in class. I am speaking of classroom etiquette. I am speaking of retards that think its ok to take their shoes off and put their feet on the desk in front of them. This is a common occurrence in the classroom and those of you who do this are assholes. No one wants to smell your feet, no one wants to see your crusty toes, and no one likes you from the moment you take your shoes off. The classroom is not a living room and when you take your shoes off you are bothering everyone around you not to mention disrespecting your professor. It shocks me when a professor doesn’t tell a student to put their nasty hooves away when they are trying to teach but what is most surprising is that this person does not even realize that people are glaring at them.

Put your fucking shoes on.

Next there is the habit of students that I hate above all others. This is the event that occurs, when a student raises their hand and open their idiotic lips to utter the words that I fear will cause my death due to a severe and violent aneurism. When a student says “I was just gonna say…” followed by something equally as moronic. I restrain myself every single time this is said from attacking this person with words and/or fists. A large knot in my chest is forming even as I type this.

Let me explain why I hate this brainless pre-cursor to a, likely stupid, insight on classroom discussion. This person was not about to say anything. They were called on and were patiently waiting to be called on by their professor. What is it they were “just gonna say” exactly?

NOTHING.

They weren’t just about to say anything. No one cut them off, no one interrupted them, and they weren’t in the middle of a point at any time during the class. I can’t make this any clearer. If you say this in class I will immediately have no respect for you and you are a poor excuse for a human being.


That’s all for now.

You Win

With my very first post I’d like to touch on a subject that is dear to all our hearts. That is the subject of drinking. It is part of our nature as college students to drink and to drink heavily. The antics that ensue are timeless classics.

We all, generally, enjoy drinking whether it’s someone’s birthday or if it’s just a Friday. At some point we have all sat around and had our high class discussions about how we are going to go get fucked up and how the night is going to be a shit show. Here enters the paradox of the college lifestyle.

The goal is to get “fucked up” and everyone that is out drinking is working towards that goal, striving and working to reach the finish line that is blurred vision and poor decisions. BUT the very first person to reach this goal has not won anything but is in fact made to feel like the loser.

We have all been there. You get drunk and you enjoy your night but you maybe drank a little faster and a little more than the rest. Then instead of enjoying the winners circle you are hearing your friends point out the fact that you are drunk.

“Hey buddy, you’re pretty wasted aren’t you?”

To which the typical response is, “I’m good… I mean I’m buzzed but not drunk. I’m not drunk!”

You are then the joke of the night and you didn’t win anything at all. You may not realize it because you’re too drunk but people are laughing about how ridiculous you are and glad they’re not at your level. You act like a fool and unintentionally are embarrassing yourself.

BUT then in the morning when the re-hashing begins; the drunk one is now the winner. The stories of drunk escapades are funny for all because they are in the past. Everyone laughs about who was drunk and whoever was the drunkest has the best stories.

To all of this I say to those who drink to be the winner you are probably a stupid person because you’re not winning at all. Know that you’re a stupid person but if that’s ok with you then please continue your lifestyle because you do provide entertainment.

Introduction

I would like to first start off with introducing myself and giving a brief explanation as to what this blog is meant to do.

I am a 21 year old student that attends a certain school in New England that won the division 1 hockey national championship in 2009. I am interested in pointing out the stupidity of others. I truly do believe that people can be one of three types. The first type is stupid. A stupid person is one who does very inconsiderate things and unintelligent things but is unaware that they do them, simple enough. The second type is the asshole. An asshole is one who does very inconsiderate and unintelligent things and is very aware of what it is they are doing. The third type is the good person, the genuine person, or whatever you would like to label that person as. This person is neither inconsiderate nor unintelligent and thinks carefully about how their actions may affect others and how it will benefit them. This person is very level headed and reasonable and this person is almost non-existent. Unfortunately nearly everyone falls into one of the first two categories. I'm clearly an asshole for even creating a blog such as this but there are degrees of each category and I'd like to say that I'm not a huge asshole but you can judge that.

With that said I'd like to give a brief explanation as to what this blog will entail.

I plan to point out the stupid people and the assholes of this world and bring it to everyone's attention. I intend to emphasize the little things that everyone does that does in fact make one stupid or an asshole. I hope to enlighten you all and possibly change your ways but more importantly I hope to make you laugh. People will undoubtedly cause me stress and cause me to become quite angry but at the end of the day it's important to laugh it off. So, enjoy what I have to say and even if people bother you, learn to laugh about it.