Comedian to Watch

My comedian this week is Louis C.K. This guy is a balding red head with anger issues. He is hilarious. If you like humor that is right at the edge of acceptable then he is your man. This guy has been a favorite of mine for years but never achieved great success. His humor shocked HBO with his show “Lucky Louie” that was cancelled because it was too offensive. However, recently he has been in a few episodes of “Parks and Recreation” and will have his own show on FX in the fall.

The link below will take you to a clip of his comedy at his website.

http://louisck.com/conan080504.mpg

Off You Go

I’ve always been annoyed by the Omarosas and the Snookies of the world. The people that get famous for being annoying or stupid are cancerous to society. So when I heard about the balloon boy story I thought that it was great that the kid fucked up. It’s obvious that the parents were looking for something to put them in the spotlight and considering the boys father was a failed actor he should have just come out as a recovering meth addict. But the couple decided to go with the flawless balloon story but, fortunately, their son ruined their delusional hopes and dreams of hopping from interview to interview crying, “MY BABBBYY! THE BALLOON TOOK MY BABY!”

It really made me happy to see these people get caught, and on national television! It doesn’t get much better than seeing an idiot fail on TV. They were dismissed pretty quickly by the public, which I also enjoyed, until yesterday when they were back in the news. This time they were in the news because their punishment was announced. It was an exciting day.

The husband was sentenced to 90 days in prison while the wife was sentenced to 20 days and they are going to be charged a fine upwards of $50,000. To this I’d like to say…

HAHA! Losers.

They got what they deserved. If you act like a douche then you should be punished. The last part of their punishment is that for the next four years the couple will not be allowed to make any money related to their stupid little escapade. This is perfect! Nothing would be more of a slap in the face to the public than to have balloon daddy crying and apologizing before he goes to jail only to come out with a book in four months about the whole ordeal. This is a perfect “stop being a pathetic loser” and “you can’t make money without doing something” punishment.

Oh and did you know this family was on Wife Swap?

It’s awful to separate children from their parents but in this case I think the kids are better off without them.

The New Kid

Every year it seems that some studio decides to remake a classic film. Sometimes it can be a great success like with Ocean’s 11, which starred George Clooney and Brad Pitt who were just too cool. Honestly, every guy wants to be Danny Ocean or Rusty Ryan. Another successful remake was Pride and Prejudice, which was kind of gay but it did get nominated for a few Academy Awards.

But most other times you get trash movies like Bad News Bears, a waste of time, The Day the Earth Stood Still, another movie with Keanu Reeves making the same exact facial expressions as always, Rollerball, just sad, or Prom Night, which was just another shitty horror movie. The shit list is far longer that the list of successful films. But while we are on the subject of Keanu Reeves I would like to point out that I find it fascinating this guy finds work. I mean the guy has been nominated for six Razzies and an Oscar doesn’t seem to be in his future. Any movie with him as the lead actor is sure to be a bust.

So Mr. Reeves may or may not have caused the failure of every film he’s been in and is possibly the worst actor in Hollywood but lets talk about Jackie Chan instead. He had those Rush Hour movies that were decent, but nothing great, and he was the voice of the monkey in Kung Fu Panda and I guess that’s pretty cool.

But is pretty cool good enough to replace Mr. Miyagi!?

Yes, it’s true. There is going to be a new Karate Kid and Jackie Chan will be playing Mr. Han, the reincarnation of Mr. Miyagi and Ralph Macchio’s replacement will be Will Smith’s scrawny little kid, Jaden Smith. I just hope Columbia Pictures doesn’t completely ruin something we all love.

Everyone knows The Karate Kid. Wax on Wax off. Come on!

The movie is going to take place in China but otherwise it is the same plot. So the question is how can this movie be better?

Lines that reference pop culture? Sweet camera angles? Better acting? Is there going to be a line better than wax on wax off? Well they’ve tried to make a new lasting line anyway, with “jacket on, jacket off.”

The movie doesn’t look all that bad but I worry that Ralph Macchio is still too close to our hearts. The new version better be more than good or I have a feeling a lot of people will be unhappy.

Here is a link to the movie trailer. You can decide for yourself what you think of “jacket on, jacket off.”

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/the-karate-kid-2010/trailer

Comedian to Watch

I’d like to take a break from my regular hilarious writing to point out the comedy of others. Once a week I will be delivering you a new comedian that you should know if you like comedy.

First on my list is Brendan Walsh. He has been around for a while but is just now starting to get the recognition that he deserves. A very hilarious guy who is on the road constantly so if you live in a city he’s been probably been there and will probably be back.

The link below will take you to a clip of his comedy at his myspace page.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=59813422

No One is Safe!

Remember how everything causes cancer and nothing is good for you?

I remember when I was a kid and the people inside the tv said, “No more Lays potato chips because they cause anal leakage and cancer.” I was more concerned with the anal leakage. The next cancerous food was eggs, but then eggs were good for me, then they caused cancer again, and now they are back to just being eggs. Then they said men get cancer because they eat steak but they can’t eat tofu because that actually has estrogen in it, so that’s no good either.

I’m exhausted with being told things are not good for me. If it is less cancerous than a cigarette then don’t bother. I know I’m still going to eat steak and fully enjoy every bite regardless of the “danger” I am putting myself in and it seems to me that steaks are still pretty popular. If people are willing to stand outside of a club to rip a rod or two I think that the Today Show’s new weekly list of cancerous items are pretty worthless to nearly everyone. (Matt Lauer is a creep by the way)

But it isn’t the lecher host of the Today Show that is warning the public. It is the state of Maine. Maine is, potentially, going to have a large non-removable cancer warning printed on all cell phones sold within the state, following the lead of European countries. (When the hell did Maine become the first in line behind trendsetting European countries?) The warning would state that it is unsafe to have a cell phone near your body.

It’s fine to be safe with things like cigarettes. Cigarettes have no practical use unless you’re looking for a nice cough and even now plenty of people smoke. This warning is not going to accomplish a thing. I’m sorry Maine. I love your lobsters, your toothpick factory, your excessive amount of light towers, I love that you have a state cat and it is the “Maine coon cat”, and all of your pine trees but I don’t like this law. Nothing will stop people from using cell phones.

What would we do, use a land-line?

Yeah, right.

Try telling anyone in the corporate world that they can’t use their blackberry and see how that goes. Maybe tell the app obsessed people, with their i phones, to use the house phone?

Nice try Maine but I’d stick to the lobster thing.

2pac on Popes playlist

The pope has a myspace page.

I cannot understand how the pope has a myspace page.

Does anyone see the pope's myspace and decide that they should be catholic?

What does the popes "about me" look like?

"My name is Benedict but my friends my friends call me ♥ Bennnnnyyy ♥ . I enjoy blessings, large silly hats (hehe), love shopping at trader joes, playing with kittens, and listening to 2pac!!!"

Ok so that was a joke, except for the 2pac thing. Yes, not only does the pope have a myspace but he has a playlist and the playlist has 2pac on it.

I have a feeling that if a child stumbles across the pope's myspace page and listens to "changes" they may get the wrong idea about what it is to be catholic. It doesn't seem to fit, and almost seems wrong, for the pope to include this type of music but I can't help but think that I really like that song.

I have to say, though, that I'm torn on the whole thing. One of two things is happening. The men in robes at the vatican decided that they needed to connect to the younger generation or the pope is a thug. While it is more likely that they compromised their values to expand the church I'd like to imagine that the pope puts in a gold grill from time to time.

Now the white catholic families won't know who to blame it on when their "perfect" little children start listening to rap music. That dam pope and his bad influence!

The bottom line is the pope is a g. So parents need to remember that if 2pac is good enough for the church then it's good enough for children.

The church always knows what's best for children, right?

Who Cares?

This is actually news. A television star from the 80's came out of the closet!

NO WAY!!!

Speaking on behalf of my entire generation, nobody cares Baxter. First of all, you are old and that automatically means you are boring unless you are Clint Eastwood. Second you are clearly just bored with your life. You claim that the tabloids were spreading that you might be a sneaky lesbian, so you thought you should tell the world the truth. But you also said that your friends, family, and even former cast members have known the truth for years. Maybe it's your gay logic, but you lost me...

If you are bored then start a foundation or something or maybe even get back in to acting. It's great that you are a lesbian and all but your appearance on the Today Show really is a pathetic attempt to get back into the spotlight. You should have tried it before there were successful shows like "Will and Grace" or "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

You should have taken a tip from Andre Agassi, America's favorite athlete and meth head. He knew what to do when no one wanted to hear about his life anymore. He knew that he had to go bigger than gay, so he told the world that he used to do meth... once. He had a whole minute dedicated to him on sportscenter and when people heard the news that day they even talked about it for a few minutes.


No one is talking about you, other than me. Next time you miss the spotlight please remember, meth is the new gay.