Baby Cage

Where's a safe place to put the baby? Of Course! Hang the baby out the window. Now the baby won't be in the way... ever again because it is going to die.

Courtesy of the 1930's

Quack

Aflac is betting a sales manager from Minnesota has the voice to drive the name "Aflac" into the recesses of your brain and keep it there.

Daniel McKeague, 36, a father of three from Hugo, Minn., beat out 12,500 other contestants to replace actor Gilbert Gottfried and become the new voice of the reinsurance company's duck mascot.

Gottfried voiced Aflac's duck for U.S. audiences for 11 years but was ousted in March after making insensitive remarks on Twitter about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, which produces about 75 percent of Aflac's revenue. Aflac soon announced a contest for Gottfried's replacement, though the actor who has long offered a gentler interpretation of the duck for Japanese audiences will continue.



For those of you that don't know, Gilbert Gottfried is a famous comedian/actor and was the voice of Iago (What I thought was Yago) in Aladdin. I had to look up how to spell Iago and I was shocked at what I found. I've had it wrong in countless writings for years. That hurts Disney. I told my self never again after Zazu... That's a Lion King reference folks.

But as far as the Aflac duck goes, it's probably time to hang up the hat on that old bird. It has been 11 years of a duck quacking, maybe give it a rest. To be honest I'm tired of seeing it but I don't find it nearly as annoying as the Capital One commercials. Those commercials have been running just as long but make absolutely no sense.

Here's a very brief rundown of mascots...

Aflac Duck- The mascot is a duck because ducks quack and that sounds like Aflac. (Fine)


Geico

Caveman- It's so easy a caveman could do it. (Self explanatory)

Gecco- Sounds like Geico. (Fine)

Googly Eyes- Eyes are matched to song with lyrics, "...watchin' me." (Fine)

(Yes, Geico has three different mascots and I bet you didn't even notice.)


Capital One Vikings- Have nothing to do with anything!


By the way, I have posted what Mr. Iago tweeted below. You can decide whether it's funny or worthy of being fired over.



"I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now.'"

In another tweet, he wrote, "Japan is really advanced.They don't go to the beach.The beach comes to them."

The stream of Gottfried's tasteless jokes continued: “I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said, ‘Is there a school is this area?’ She said, ‘Not now, but just wait.’”

Cruel and Unusual

As a result of being found in violation of probation, Lindsay Lohan will be collecting trash, emptying trash bins, mopping floors and cleaning windows and restrooms at the L.A. County Department of Coroner's facility.

"She won't be handling any dead bodies but she'll certainly see them,” Coroner Assistant Chief Ed Winter tells People of the actress, 24, who also has been ordered to complete 360 hours of service at the Downtown Women's Center, a homeless shelter located in L.A.'s Skid Row.

Lohan must enroll in the two programs within a week and has a year to complete them, according to People.

The actress – who previously completed a DUI morgue program following her second drunk-driving conviction 2007 – remains free on $75,000 bail (she was sentenced to 120 days behind bars Friday).




Note that the article refers to her as Lindsay Lohan, and not Lindsay as she had hoped. This is because she is a bona fide train wreck of a person. Maybe the dead people will scare her into becoming a better person but I have my doubts.

It's a very simple equation. Don't drive drunk/ don't violate probation/ don't hit people or things with your car/ don't do drugs all the time and you won't have to clean up the dead person's home. Now I know this can be confusing to someone who has been at the top of the world with cinema classics like "Freaky Friday" and "Herbie Fully Loaded." I don't know what my life would be like if those movies were never made. I'm guessing I wouldn't have seen the previews? That's probably all that would change.

So she's a mediocre actress, she's not hot anymore (stop being blonde), and she fails to understand basic social standards/rules. I have to imagine that she would get along very well with Gary Busey.

Stop It

Dear Dairy Queen,

You've ruined a good thing. That wonderful Old Spice man made us all laugh with his declarations of what a man should be. You, on the other hand, sell ice cream. It's just not the same.

Here is a list of reasons why the Dairy Queen campaign is terrible(even though it is the same as the Old Spice campaign, which is awesome).


1. Dairy Queen ice cream isn't even that good.

2. The production quality of the Old Spice commercials is far superior. They film their commercials in single shots with all real props. No cgi bunnies and big gay flaming rainbows. Queens.

3. Old Spice did it first. There are no other Chuck Norris' out there and if anyone thinks of a joke about... let's say Burt Reynolds, that's similar to a Chuck Norris joke, it's going to have to wait. Burt Reynolds, or whoever, can wait just like Chuck Norris waited for Bill Brasky jokes to calm down. Maybe this would work in 10 years DQ, but not now.

4. The guy in the Old Spice commercials (Isaiah Mustafa) is a former NFL player and is going to be in a movie with Jennifer Aniston. He's what we call 'the man'. This white guy in the Dairy Queen ad, with his cheap porno mustache, is nothing but a knock off. It's like going from Pooh Bear to Poop Bear.

So please D Queen, cease and desist because you're awful and ruining the fun.






If you haven't seen any of the awful D Queen commercials here's a link but I don't recommend watching it because I don't want to encourage them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VtH5xdbMtU

Did You Throw a Trident?

Arizona State and its partners at Nike were obviously aiming for a younger, hipper, decidedly edgier look when they decided to ditch the Sun Devils' longtime logo, a grinning cartoon devil who looks like Walt Disney in an old Halloween costume, in favor of a sleeker, more ominous-looking pitchfork, sometimes set against all-black. Assuming the marketing department's idea of "edgy" didn't quite extend to major urban street gangs, though, they may have succeeded a little too wildly.

Or so says diehard ASU alum Kenneth Epich, a Chicago police sergeant assigned to the city's Area One Gang Enforcement unit who instantly matched the new logo with the crude trident symbol that shows up in the tattoos, graffiti and hand signals of one of Chicago's largest and most violent gangs, the "Satan Disciples." And he thinks it's only a matter of time before his alma mater's new look joins the repertoire:

"The gangs adopt sports teams and wear their gear," Epich said. "The S.D.'s are going to adopt the (ASU) hat as their hat of choice just as soon as they see the first person wearing one."

He probably has reason to worry. After all, there's the devil tie-in. Sun Devils and Satan's Disciples both start with an S and a D.

And, of most concern to Epich, there's that trident. Turns out the gang uses a trident similar to ASU's as one of its symbols. Gang members have them tattooed on their bodies and tag neighborhoods with them. Epich believes some of the artwork he has seen of the gang's symbol is strikingly similar to the ASU trident.

"It bothers me that, one, this gang will be wearing ASU gear, but also that ASU and Nike were so naive to develop it. In my mind, it's the spitting image of the S.D. trident."
[…]
"Some unsuspecting ASU grad or the nephew of a grad or just some person who was at spring training and liked the hat is going to be wearing it in Chicago and stumble upon a car load of Latin Kings (the S.D.'s rival gang), and they're going to beat the (expletive) out of him or kill him just based on the fact he's wearing a hat," Epich said.




First of all, the jerseys are sick. That hokey devil they had before was lame as hell (pun). Normally I'm completely against such a drastic change like this for a team, specifically a college team, because of traditions and history... but it's Arizona State. I feel like everyone there couldn't care less because they're blacked out all the time. It's one giant party with 56,000 undergrads, an ASU strand of every STD, and a barstoolsports smokeshow heaven. I'm sure they're cool with the new jerseys.

But what I don't get is why this ASU alum is such a dimwit. Maybe it's due to the fact that he was blacked out during his 4 years of college. Because if he listened to himself speak then he would realize that he has pointed out that San Diego already has a trident logo. I have to assume that there isn't currently a gang problem with San Diego hats because he didn't say mention any sort of precedent... but I'm not sure if this is a someone to trust. So assuming there is no gang/hat problem right now then there definitely will be with ASU's new logo because... they are the Sun Devils and that matches up with Satan's Disciples.

Hmmm well that is a fancy coincidence but I feel like there was something right there. A piece that was not connected, right after the naivety insult to Nike and ASU. Ahh yes, San Diego also starts with the letters S and D.

Simpleton.

So I disagree with Sargent Pinhead, even though ASU has a bigger football program than San Diego, because teams need to be good at football to have fans outside of their state and no one from Arizona (or any state) should be wandering around the ghettos of Chicago (or any ghetto).

Jerseys rock and cops are stupid. Boom.

No New Ideas

I've heard a lot lately from critics and non-critics alike that Hollywood is out of original ideas. Though, I'm sure the people who claim that Hollywood is out of fresh ideas are simply repeating something they heard on TV. Much like the pompous friend we all have that iterates thoughts from an article they read in the NY Times as if they discovered these new facts and ideas themselves.

Anyway, back to my original point. I've heard a lot about the lack of originality from Hollywood and I've dismissed it as much as I could. But I've come across something today that has brought about a feeling I can only describe with "tisk-tisk" and "Really?"

A favorite childhood board game of mine, Battleship, is being made into a movie in which Rhianna will start her acting career. (Quick thought: Do children play board games anymore?)



"Battleship" offers a fresh take on the classic board game, where naval forces unite on the high seas to battle an alien armada. Taylor Kitsch ("Friday Night Lights") and Alexander Skarsgard ("True Blood") have already been cast as two sailor brothers who partake in the fight.



I can see it now. One battleship full of people will discuss where they should fire because they know there's someone out there... but they don't know where exactly. Meanwhile on a different battleship, far away (somewhere near A5), another group will be discussing the same thing. The two groups will fire into the distance until they find their target, all the while leaving the viewer with a feeling of hopelessness and loss.

Quite possibly one of the least exciting ideas for a movie yet. Battleship does not need a "fresh take" and it does not even need a movie. It's as if execs in Hollywood are sitting around saying to one another, "Name some things that exist already."

"Fast and the Furious?"

"Sure why not? We can make a fifth one. What else?"

"Pirates movie."

"Good Good. Keep 'em coming.

"We could do The Smurfs but make it 3D."

"Great we just need one more."

"Let's make a board game, like battleship, into a movie."

"Great! I'll get Liam Neeson on the phone."


But at least it will be starring Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker, who I'm sure will be wearing very limited amounts of clothing.

Party at my Crib

"I wanted to create a beautiful, tranquil, cozy environment for the babies," Mariah shared, adding, "Everything matches, but pieces are individualized to celebrate the twins as separate entities."

Mariah confessed that designing the nurseries to match her unique vision was a challenge. "I feel like I'm bringing two individuals into the world, so I wanted to do more than cookie-cutter styles in blue and pink." Nick was on board with Mariah's interior design plan, and asked that the twins' cribs be accented with pink and green bedding instead of the traditional pink and blue.



Very modest. Quaint. What newborn baby can survive without a nice sitting area for tea and another sitting area for when you'd like to relax by the crib? Those flowers better be fresh everyday too. Though I don't feel like the cleanliness and detail of this room quite encapsulates how pukey and poopy babies really are. This is a great "Fantasy" Mariah, but you're going to have to "Shake it off" before your "Emotions" are crushed as spit up and inexplicable stickiness covers that lavish and luxurious baby suite.

PUN! PUN! PUN!

That said, I love the giraffe.

Here We Go

I have not been as active I could be with my blog in recent weeks. I have reasons but they are basically just excuses. So here I am. I am back and I am ready to share my witty, charming, insightful (usually stupid) words with the world, or whoever it is that actually reads my dribble.

Ok, so there are plenty of things I have seen in the last few weeks that have made me think, "What...?"

Something I read today made chuckle a bit in disbelief.


Tea activist and OC County GOP official Marilyn Davenport has apologized for sending out a racist image of President Obama.

According to KABC, Davenport issued a statement late Monday in which she apologized, but stopped short of addressing her future on the committee.

"I humbly apologize and ask for your forgiveness of my unwise behavior," the statement said. "I say unwise because at the time I received and forwarded the email, I didn't stop to think about the historic implications and other examples of how this could be offensive."


Hilarious. Obama is a monkey and it works because he's black. That's not racist is it?

Uhh... yeah that's racist. You might as well send a picture of him with a bucket of fried chicken, some fresh cut watermelon, and a caption underneath reading, "Let me axe you something."

Those who are not racists are well aware of racist stereotypes and insults. You got caught, Marilyn. Woops!

I'm not sure if it's because we are able to move information so quickly and more freely every day or if it's because people are getting dumber but it seems to me people in the government have been failing quite a bit lately. Hookers, blow, gay bathroom sex, false claims about what planned parenthood actually does (Senator Jon Kyl), and racist chain emails.

It makes me proud to be an American.