Love Seats

For pooping with your partner.

I came across this little gem while I was out last night at a restaurant/hookah bar. There is no one I know or care enough about to ever use the love seats with.

I have decided there are three scenarios that exist with this bathroom. One is two bros (or a girl and her she-bro) are forced to rub thighs while they flex it out. Plus side: there can be a high five celebration for a job well done or there is support for when things don't go as well as planned. Down side: extraordinarily disgusting.

The second scenario is a couple can share an experience together like no other. In fact, the couple can hold hands the entire time they are in the bathroom, depending on how good one may be at unfastening belts and pants with one hand. Plus side: gazing into your loved ones eyes and understanding them in a time few couples can understand. Down side: no one ever needs to be this close to their boyfriend/girlfriend while they release the concentrated evil that is inside of them.

The third and, in my opinion, best scenario is the stranger session. This would be two people who have never met, who are then forced to share an experience that they never thought they'd share with the closest of people in their lives. It is my favorite because it embodies my favorite sort of awkwardness. I imagine that people would attempt to be polite and hold in their gas, struggling to release a silent fart. It would be as silent a bathroom session could be with an occasional subdued cough. Upside: a great adventure with a new friend. Downside: exceptionally horrid experience with a person you hope to never see again.

I don't know which experience this establishment had planned for when they installed this porcelain pair but it fascinates me to no end.

Lost Stars

Ever wonder what happens to our beloved childhood television stars?

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is what happens.

Steve Urkel (Jaleel White) is Dr. Terry McCormick in the film of the century.

This is one of those movies that makes one wonder how or why it was made. Please watch the trailer through the link below. It's a guilty pleasure I need to share with the world.

And remember, "Whoever wins... WE LOSE!"

http://www.movieweb.com/movie/mega-shark-vs-crocosaurus/trailer

For what it's worth I think the crocosaurus would win.

Brilliant

The best answer to a test question I have seen. I wish I had been clever to write an answer like this while I was in school. There were more than a few math questions I didn't know the answer to...

Good job Peter.

Comedian to Watch

He wrote for 30 Rock, he does incredible stand-up, was in a successful sketch comedy group, and now stars in one of my favorite television shows on right now, Community. I want to be Donald Glover. If you haven't seen his stand-up, now is your chance. Check out the links below.

http://comedians.jokes.com/donald-glover/videos/donald-glover---crazy-stories

http://comedians.jokes.com/donald-glover/videos/donald-glover---black-nerd

http://comedians.jokes.com/donald-glover/videos/donald-glover---we-get-it

http://comedians.jokes.com/donald-glover/videos/donald-glover---rude-midget

Deadly Delivery

Hudson- A Sullivan Road resident called police to report a "suspicious package" on his front porch...

The resident said he observed an unknown person leave the package and called police, according to the police report.

The officer said he could see the package was clearly labeled with the Amazon.com logo and asked the man if he had ordered anything from the firm recently.

The man reportedly said "Why yes, I did."

The officer told the resident his package had arrived. The resident then said he was comfortable opening the box. The officer then left the scene, according to the report.



An unknown person dressed all in brown suspiciously pulled down his brown cap as he left his large brown vehicle with something suspect underneath his arm. The mysterious, and most likely dangerous item, was left on the porch for the local resident to fear. The resident was also an avid viewer of Glenn Beck. Only later did the resident realize the mysterious package was in fact the fleshlight he had ordered online.

(The things people do and the things that are reported will never cease to amaze me)

Sweet and Nasty

What an adorable puzzle. But it's obvious what's really going on here. Jungle loooovvee.

Only an adult mind can take the innocent and make it filthy.

Porn in a Cup

NEW YORK — A Brooklyn coffee shop is offering customers a real jolt: 10 shots of espresso in a single serving with the nickname "porn in a cup."

The Pulp & The Bean in the Crown Heights neighborhood put the item on the menu on Tuesday with the official name of "Dieci," Italian for "10." The nickname comes from a sign advertising the drink outside the store, whose specialty item was first reported by the New York Daily News.

Shop owner Tony Fisher, 37, said sales were brisk in part because "nobody's ever had the chutzpah to do anything like this before."

"This is for the person who wants to experience the limits of where coffee and espresso can go," he said of the drink, which weighs in at 20 ounces.

Fisher opened his shop specializing in latte coffee and chai tea about a year ago in a neighborhood that has traditionally been split between Orthodox Jews and Caribbean immigrants but has seen an influx of young professionals and gays who make up the bulk of his clientele.

Fisher came up with the idea after finding that a double espresso was not enough.

"Sometimes I'll drink a double espresso and say to myself, 'I need another double.' And then another double will turn into another double. And I was like, why not drink a full cup?"

The beverage is not for everyone, especially considering such a large dose of caffeine can increase heart rate and blood pressure.

"I won't sell it to anybody in their 40s and up," Fisher said. "I'll just tell them I can offer an alternative."

I really don't think I've ever heard chutzpah other than on Coffee Talk with Linda Richman. But other than that I'm on board with this drink. You could say you want ten shots of espresso so why not American it up and call it porn in a cup?

A double not strong enough? Throw in eight more shots. That oughta do it.

I could handle the caffeine of this drink. I couldn't handle the actual bean juice. But if I'm ever looking for a safe alternative to a colonic then I will grab myself a cup of porn in Brooklyn.

That said, every porn in a cup should come with one free roll of toilet paper for the safety of others.

Sex Bomb

WASECA — A Waseca man has been charged with felony creation and possession of an explosive or incendiary device and felony terroristic threats after authorities discovered a homemade explosive device hidden in a sex toy...

According to the criminal complaint, Lester had made some modifications to a sex toy. He put gun powder, BB shot and buck shot from shotgun shells into one with black and red wires that connected to a trigger with a battery port....

The complaint went on to say that Lester planned on giving it to one of three women. In each of those cases, the relationship had ended badly...

There is no more malicious offensive move than to go for the old exploding vagina attack. How shitty of a person do you have to be to be able to contemplate which vagina was the most awful and worth destroying?

But on the other hand, what an awful group of women to crush a man's heart to a point at which he is considering such violence. It's remarkable they could turn down such a fine specimen of man at any time. He's like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp but more American, more Budweiser, more Nascar, more wifebeater, more crystal meth, and pulls off a mullet.

So maybe he wasn't trying to deliver a heat seeking vagina missile. Maybe he was just trying to spread Christmas cheer. Everybody loves to see some fireworks.

Or he's just a crazy redneck.

In the Lion's Den

SPRING HILL, Fla. – A Florida man says he's going to spend the next month living in a fenced enclosure with two African lions.

James Jablon of Spring Hill hopes the stunt will raise money for his wildlife center, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.

Jablon entered the lions' den Saturday. He says he's going to sleep on hay near the lions named Lea and Ed and eat when they eat.

He says he's also going to build a place to sleep and hide in the trees in the enclosure, in case the lions fight with each other. His adventure is being streamed live online through January 31.

What a champ. Starting his new year with a bold decision. He doesn't care what people say.

"Don't do it! You will get mauled."

"Just a lion's tongue is strong enough to rip the skin off your body. Don't be a fool!" (I didn't make that up. It's true, Google it.)

"They're probably going to eat you, idiot."

No this man is confident. And why not be confident? If the lion's start to get aggressive he can ask them to calm down so he can go to his safety tree. It's not like lions can climb trees (see photo above).

And I can think of no better way to raise money than a free viewing of a lion attack.

With people like this around I have a feeling 2011 will be a good year.