How Much?

I’d like to first start off with apologizing to any woman that may read this for the piggish attitude of men. We are disgusting creatures but then again who doesn’t love a good mud fight.

I don’t know if all men have done this at some point in their lives but I do know that I’ve been involved in a certain conversation on multiple occasions that I didn’t ever bring up. It’s the conversation of how much money it would take to do something. This usually starts off with something like “How much money would it take you to eat shit?”

Hilarious.

Then the conversation evolves into something more. It becomes a much more theoretical how much. For instance: how much money would it take for a random upstanding female citizen on the street to have sex? That’s always a good one. (Told you we were gross ladies).

So we sit around and laugh and try to figure out what the magic number for a celebrity like Eva Longoria would be, or whoever gets your dick to twitch, and then it happens. Someone asks the gay question.

“How much would it take for you to suck a dick?”

Everyone boos for the most part but then people actually start discussing it. They say they’d do it for a billion or a trillion. They justify it by saying that a trillion dollars could buy you anything you wanted and the memory of the fellatio would be nothing compared to the fun you would have. But I say nothing could make me do that. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means homophobic, I just don’t want to suck a dick, ever. A gay man turning down sex from Giselle wouldn’t surprise you. No one ever believes me and accuses me of lying. They say that if I were presented with a trillion dollars that I would “have to” do it. I firmly say no and I will tell you why.

I am going to share something with all of you that I have never told anyone in my life. I figured this would be the proper venue considering that everyone in my life can read it.

When I was a freshman in college (I know you’re all excited to see where this goes) I made plans with a group of friends to see Billy Joel. He was coming on campus and we expected to have a student discount to the show. The tickets went on sale months in advance but unfortunately, with no student discount. So of the eight of us that made plans to see the show only myself and one other person actually purchased a ticket. This was fine with me because I had never seen Billy Joel and I was very excited to see him. A couple months went by and it wasn’t until the day of the show, it wasn’t until we were actually walking to the doors of the arena, did I realize what I had done. It was Valentines Day. I was on a date with a guy on Valentines Day at a Billy Joel concert. When I realized what I had done I felt like I had just chugged vodka expecting water. The whole night we received stares from the almost entirely elderly audience because, yes we really did stand out that much. Some even made comments, “You two are so brave!” It was absolutely horrifying. The only positive thing I took away from that experience is that I have way more respect for gay couples now.

To this day I am haunted by that event.

There is a point to me reliving this mortifying event. Based on the events of that day and how it has affected me in my life then there is no way that I could handle sucking a dick. The ratio of gay experience to humiliation would be too much for me to handle.