Eat Fresh

There are those who hate their jobs and those who love to hate their jobs. Chris says he is a Subway sandwich maker who falls into the latter category, putting in extra work to make your sandwich suboptimal. He eats your pain with relish. Here's what he does to your sandwich:

I've been working at subway for about a year and a half, and it always amuses me when people complain about not tessellating cheese [ed. see "]. Now, merely to amuse myself, not only do I not tessellate the cheese, but I also leave gaps in the cheese placement so that an indeterminate amount of your bites will be cheeseless.

Also, I put a really small amount of dressing on your sandwich whenever you ask for it. Then when you ask for more, I squirt out a large quantity before you can say stop so that your sandwich has far too much dressing.

Then, when I cut the sandwich in half, I only cut it 3/4ths of the way through so that you have to messily tear the rest of the sandwich yourself.

What a dick! How could he do this to people? One bite with cheese and the next without! I've always had my suspicions that the people at fast food restaurants were evil. I hoped deep down that the people at Subway and McDonald's thought of themselves as sandwich artisans and burger craftsmen. But this guy has confirmed my suspicions. This must be why when I ask for no pickles at McDonald's I seem to always get extra pickles and why when I order iced tea at Burger King they give me fruit punch.

By the way, how exciting is it that Subway is going to tessellate their cheese? I just have to go ahead and look up what tessellating means and I'm sure I'll be thrilled.

What a Victory

"A HEROIN-addicted sex offender has won custody of his young daughter because the girl's mother is considered an even more unsuitable parent.

Child protection campaigners yesterday lashed the Federal Magistrates' Court decision to leave the girl in such conditions as outrageous and "defying logic".

Granting custody of the girl, aged about 5, to the father, the court branded the mother dishonest and criticised her continuing drug use.

The court heard the mother, who has shoplifting and prostitution-related convictions and a history of drug use, left the labour ward to buy heroin soon after giving birth.

The father, who also has a string of convictions, was put on the sex offenders' list after being convicted of wilful and obscene exposure.

But, despite concerns he had taken drugs as recently as last December, and kept a knife and sword collection, the court last month ruled the girl should live with him. "

".....Her drug-screening tests repeatedly indicated the presence of benzodiazepines and opiates. She was even suspected of once taking drugs while in the court precinct arguing for custody."

You know your life is shit when you're fighting for the right to have custody of your daughter and lose out to a heroin addicted sex offender with a sword collection. How do you even lose this battle? Oh yeah, you have to be a kleptomaniac, prostitute, druggy who shows up high to court. That makes sense.

So what does it take to be a good parent? I guess you just have to take less drugs than the other parent.

Nothing More American

EAU CLAIRE, Mich. (AP) - A husband and wife took top honors for the second straight year at the annual cherry pit spitting competition in southwestern Michigan.

Rick "Pellet Gun" Krause, of Tuba City, Ariz., spit a pit 51 feet, 3 inches Saturday for his 16th win at the International Cherry Pit Spitting Championship. Organizers say Krause entered on a motorcycle, dropped to his knees in the spitter's box and ejected the winning pit.

His wife, Marlene, took first place in the women's contest, spitting a pit 34 feet, 6 inches. It was her seventh win.

The Tree-Mendus Fruit Farm, just north of the Indiana border, hosts the event. Orchard owner Herb Teichman launched the competition as a lark 37 years ago, but it now attracts competitors from the U.S. and beyond.

Happy Fourth of July everyone. It's time for barbecues, fireworks, watching Chesnut slam down some dogs and Kobayashi get arrested (Check it out), and of course cherry pit spitting (say that 3x fast). How cool is this couple? Both of them taking home the gold for the second year in a row. And Rick is such a badass, cruising in on his hog, jumping off with reckless abandon, sliding in on his knees (slow motion, of course), and spitting out that competition winning pit. It's too bad "Pellet Gun" is living in the shadow of people like Kobe Bryant and Tiger Woods. They don't even know what it's like to be a real champion. Plus these two are the perfect couple. Wining side by side. Rick isn't bangin' roadies and Marlene won't be smashing his car with his pits because of some infidelity. I wonder if they met while they were spitting pits. Love at first pit spit. Classic.

By the way, 51 and 34 feet, holy shit. I can barely throw that far. Bravo Krause's.

Family Life

Last year, Crystal said her ex-husband showed pornography on a home computer to their two girls, who were eight and nine years old at the time. It happened in Randall County in West Texas.

Crystal believes the incident happened last February. She learned about it months later because her daughters told a counselor. Immediately Crystal contacted police. She wanted prosecutors to file charges against her ex-husband, but there was a roadblock.

Texas law says minors can view pornography if they're accompanied by a parent or guardian. It was originally designed to allow for sex education.

Crystal has partnered with the Dallas-based Lillian Smith Foundation, a family violence foundation, to get the law-re-written. "I think it needs to say it's illegal for all adults to show children porn," said JJ Smith, the President of the Lillian Smith Foundation.

Everyone hurry! Get the popcorn! The movie is about to start. Now honey, that's what is called foreplay. Looks fun doesn't it? One day you can look just like that lady. You might not grow boobs like her but hers aren't real anyway. You can just buy a pair of your own. What's that? Oh that's called doggy style! It's how puppies are made, hehe.

Can you imagine anything creepier than this? I don't believe there is a strictly educational porno that exists. There is no way someone thought that this was a good idea for educational purposes but this is Texas we're talking about. One would think this would be an easy law to repeal but Texas is also the state that allows you to drink with your parents, so maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe Texas is very (creepily) family oriented.

Family first!

Grandma's Girl

UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) - A southwestern Pennsylvania woman who denied leaving her 8-year-old granddaughter behind with stolen goods was ordered to stand trial on shoplifting charges. Elaine Weimer, 50, was ordered to stand trial on Wednesday on charges of retail theft, endangering the welfare of a child, and corruption of minors.

Workers at a Wal-Mart store in South Union Township testified they confronted Weimer about shoplifting on June 23. The girl returned $199 worth of items in reusable shopping bags she was carrying - but the employees said Weimer denied knowing the girl, got in her car and drove away.

The girl was not charged and told state police her grandmother told her "to get stuff for her grandmother and her grandmother made her hold the bags."

What granddaughter? I don't even have any children because I've never been with a man. That little girl must have stole all those things herself. You should really try to find her parents! Bye now!

Love this defense! This little girl must have looked ridiculous holding $200 worth of goods. How can you be so cold and desperate that you are willing to leave your granddaughter to take the rap. I actually had to read this article a few times before I fully understood what this old woman had done. She's like an evil grandmother from an early 90's Disney cartoon. Grandmothers are supposed to be sweet and give you candy you don't really want, like werthers, and write you small checks for holidays that they think is a lot of money, but really isn't. They are not supposed to frame you for shoplifting at Wal-Mart.