Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Comedian to Watch


This is Aziz Ansari and I'd be shocked if any of you haven't seen this guy yet. But for those of that haven't, get on it.

He was in a show called Human Giant a few years back, he is currently on the show Parks and Rec, and had role in the film Funny People. Oh and his stand up is pretty dam funny too.

He's kind of crazy and definitely has fun on stage. I am posting two links for youtube to watch. The first is about coldstone and the second is about kanye west.

Enjoy


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Who Could Have Guessed?

Ricky Martin is ‘a fortunate homosexual man’

- Access Hollywood

NEW YORK - After years of keeping quiet about his personal life, pop star Ricky Martin has announced that he is gay.

“I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man,” Ricky said in a message posted on his official Web site. “I am very blessed to be who I am.”

....Martin also tweeted a link to his coming out announcement on his Web site, simply writing, “my life.” In an earlier tweet on Monday, the singer posted a quote attributed to the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. M.L.K.Jr.,” he wrote.


I know that everyone in the nation is shocked right now but let's try to pull it together people. It's hard to believe that this beacon of manliness could ever be gay, right?

I'm sorry Ricky Martin but I don't understand why you waited past your release of "Shake Your Bon-Bon" to come out. I don't think there has been a straight man to wear leather pants that wasn't gay since the 80's. Also, I thought I covered this topic already when Meredith Baxter came out on the Today Show. When everyone already knows you're gay then it's not coming out and people don't care. If you really want to make a stir then you should have come out as a heterosexual.

One more thing. White people need to stop comparing themselves to great African-American leaders and revolutionaries. Yes it's a good quote but I think Dr. King was going for the whole speak up so a whole race isn't taken advantage of. I'm not sure he meant, tell everyone you're gay even if they already think you're gay.


Oh and Ricky... has anyone ever told you you look like Dane Cook?

Monday, March 29, 2010

The New Rosa


First Legal Gigolo Quits Brothel, Returns to Porn


- Michelle Ruiz

The former Marine-turned-"prosti-dude" parted ways with the Shady Lady Ranch a few weeks ago, owner Bobbi Davis told the Las Vegas Review-Journal.

"It was a mutual decision," she said, adding that the 25-year-old "went back to movies" in Southern California.

Markus (his sex worker pseudonym) joined the ranch in January, after its owners won a decision allowing them to legally hire him from Nye County and the state of Nevada, where prostitution is legal and dominated by female sex workers.

For $200, ladies could buy 40 minutes with Markus, who told Details magazinein January that he was less of a prostitute and more of an "artist," "surrogate lover" and pioneer for the gigolo community.

"It's just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front instead of the back" of the bus, he said. "She was proclaiming her rights as a disadvantaged, African-American older woman. And I'm doing the same."

An estimated 10 female clients showed up during his almost two-month stint. Markus had announced after his hiring that he would not take male clients, despite warnings that his business would suffer if he cut out male customers.

"The equation's already set -- you have to go gay for pay if you want to make the big bucks," he told Details. "That's disrespect to the artist. My sphincter isn't for sale."

Davis said the Shady Lady Ranch hired another male prostitute on the heels of Markus' departure, a Las Vegas man who went by the handle "Y. Not."

After seeing about 10 clients, he too departed the brothel after an electrical problem in his bungalow forced Davis to temporarily close it.

"We're just taking a little break," she told the Review-Journal of her depleted gigolo staff. "We're going to try it for a while longer."


What were you thinking when you first heard about this guy? I know that I immediately thought that this man was the next "Rosa Parks." Fighting for one's right to be a prostitute is completely the same as fighting for the right of an entire race. This man, this amazing man, changed the lives of OVER 10 WOMEN in a mere two months.

This guy is too ridiculous, not to mention unbelievably delusional. It's like he heard I write a comedy blog and wanted to help provide me some material.

He believes that he is an artist an a pioneer but I'm not convinced he knows what these words mean. First of all, an artist makes art while this guy maybe made 10 girls orgasm. Second, Lewis and Clark were pioneers. This man has sex for money.

But good for him for not selling his sphincter! Don't Disrespect the artist!



Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Seacrest Barks Back


I like learning new things. Sometimes I watch the History channel to see what the planet would be like without people and sometimes I spend hours on wikipedia, which simultaneously satisfies and creates any random questions I may have. But last night I learned something much more interesting. I learned that Ryan Seacrest, contrary to popular belief, does in fact have testicles.

Last night on American Idol something amazing happened. Ryan Seacrest proved that he wasn't a total weiner. Simon was being an ass as usual but Mr. Smiles decided enough was enough and charged the judges panel. It's about time he actually did something. Simon has been picking on Seacrest like he's his dorky little brother for years. The two clearly don't get along and I don't really care if they do. In fact I think it would have been much better if he punched the British fucker right in the nose. That would have made for some great television.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Comedian to Watch


This pudgy fellow is Sean Patton. He’s got some funny jokes and he’s unique or whatever… but I can’t look at him without thinking of John Belushi. You know I’m right.

Check out his performance of the third most awful late night talk show, “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon," which is ranked ahead of the awful British guy and Carson Daly.

Carson should never have left TRL. Maybe there would still be music on MTV and TRL would still be cool if he hadn't, but probably not.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/126406/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-sean-patton-stand-up

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

More Bacon Please




Sizzling-Hot Market for 'Bacon-trepreneurs'

-Ed Mazza

(March 1) -- It's easier than ever to bring home the bacon.

Salaries may be flat, unemployment is still high, but bacon is turning up in everything from candy bars to breath mints, even as first lady Michelle Obama and health officials talk about the growing problem of America's growing waistline.

Even restaurants are busy bringing on the grease: A recent study by the Chicago-based research firm Mintel found that menu items with bacon at both fast-food and full-service restaurants are up 26.5 percent since 2005.

Tired of the same old chocolate bunny? Try a bacon caramel Easter egg, available at Vosgeschocolate.com.

"Why not?" says Justin Esch, one of the self-described "bacon-trepreneurs" behind Bacon Salt. "Bacon is the most powerful force in the world. It's not even a joke."

He's very serious when he says this, but what would you expect from the man who helped create Baconaise, bacon lip balm and bacon-flavored envelopes?

"It turns out you can even add bacon to chocolate and make it better," says this bacon evangelist.

It's true -- Vosges Haut-Chocolat sells high-end chocolates with chunks of crispy applewood bacon. And it's not some odd item designed solely to draw attention, either.

"It's turned out to be our best seller," says owner-chocolatier Katrina Markoff. Her bacon chocolates outsell her other top treats by a 2-1 margin.

She also sells bacon chocolate pancake mix and bacon caramel toffee. Next up: a bacon twist on the classic chocolate Easter egg.

"I'm doing a soft bacon and caramel for Easter," she said. "It's like a bacon and eggs thing."

Bacon blended into chocolate is barely the beginning of this fatty fad. One San Diego restaurant, The Linkery, actually has an ice cream sandwich called the Lardo with chunks of candied bacon in it. You can begin your mornings with bacon-flavored coffee and cap your evening with a shot of Bakon Vodka.

And then there's the Bacon Explosion, a thick roll of bacon and sausage wrapped in bacon.

"I think bacon is popular because it's arguably the most delicious food of all time," said David Wahl, marketing manager of the novelty firm Archie McPhee. Bacon-themed items are the backbone -- or is it the fatback? -- of the operation, with items ranging from bacon-flavored jellybeans and mints to bandages and wallets that look as if they were fashioned from strips of the delicious meat.

Those products, he says, are routinely among their best-selling items.

"In our health-conscious society, bacon has almost taken on the edge of a rebel food," he says. "Really enjoying bacon and advertising that fact is almost daring someone to tell you you're wrong."

Bacon even has the power to lead vegetarians astray.

Markoff, the chocolatier, was a vegetarian herself when she developed her "baconized" candy bar. As she searched for the right blend of bacon and chocolate, she began to sample her creations, telling herself it was just for test purposes.

She quickly discovered she wasn't alone.

"It's amazing how many people are in the closet about their die-hard love for bacon," she said.

Bacon Salt's Esch agrees.

"It's pretty well known that bacon is the gateway meat," he deadpans. "That's how you bring them back in."


I love bacon as much as the next guy but come on!

Ok sit down America, we need to talk. It's not easy to say this but... You have an eating disorder. When you start your day with a cup of bacon with bacon pancakes, because breakfast must taste like bacon for every bite and sip, and then seriously talk about wrapping bacon in bacon then it's time to reevaluate yourself as a human being.

The only time the discussion on dipping bacon in chocolate should ever come up is after your third or fourth bong rip. And how much of a fat alcoholic do you have to be to be drinking bacon vodka!?

That said I would like to reiterate the fact that I love bacon and while I disagree with baconaise and bacon ice cream sandwiches; I think that bacon envelopes is a fucking sweet idea. I have never licked an envelope and been able to think about anything other than possibly dying like George Costanza's wife or the awful taste, so bring on the bacon envelopes.