Friday, February 26, 2010

Comedian to Watch


Here is John Mulaney. He’s quirky and has an interesting style. Pretty clean humor and pretty hilarious.

Check out his performance on Conan (ohh the good old days of Conan O’Brien) on his website, under videos.

http://www.johnmulaney.com/

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Cat Eater


Does Giueseppe Bigazzi sound like the name of someone that likes a feline feast?

No?

Well, actually yes.

This guy is a kind of like the Emeril of Italy, but older. The other day he announced on his show that he likes to chomp on some nice cat meat from time to time. Who needs chicken when you have a fine kitty delicacy, right?

So next time you're in the food court maybe get Panda Express and avoid Sbarro. Also, be careful of Emeril's recipes since he's... one of them.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Comedian to Watch


Everyone always says that women aren’t funny. Well to this I say what about Ellen DeGeneres, Phyllis Diller, and Margaret Cho? They are all hilarious and there are definitely more funny women out there, like Nikki Glaser. This woman is a riot and I think she’s the next lady to watch out for.

Check out this link of her performance on last comic standing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkwpY1RduTI

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Classroom Hero

This semester I have been a part of a lecture that is as dry as saltines. It’s a 90-minute class that could prompt a sloth to get up and run away. Every student, since the history of learning, has taken a subject that they didn’t find absolutely riveting and in every one of these classes there has been “that guy.”

It’s difficult to give a perfect definition for “that guy” and I could spend days writing pages upon pages about all of the different types but for now I would like describe “that guy” as he is related to the classroom. The term “that guy” is a general term but when he is in the classroom I like to call him the classroom hero. The classroom hero is bothersome, irritating, annoying and, quite simply, he is a douche.

There are many breeds of the classroom hero but I am going to first describe the specific one I have grown to detest. This unsavory gentleman is from my lecture and he makes the 90-minute experience not only dry but painful too. He is the chap that loves to pipe up in lecture so that he can make a comment. However, I’m convinced he only wants to hear his own voice, which he finds particularly hilarious. He will make a sarcastic and idiotic joke and he is convinced that he has blessed us all by speaking. When he is letting out his laugh, that pierces and twists around in my chest like a corkscrew, it is clear that he believes his ridiculous idea of humor is actually funny. He has an unjustified air of confidence but is only met with blank stares of disbelief when he speaks as all normal people wonder how this person exists and where he came from.

We have all seen this behavior from our prospective classroom heroes over the course of our academic careers but for some reason we are always surprised. Students will roll their eyes in disgust and find themselves in a conversation with another student about how awful the classroom hero is as a person. I have actually made some of my friends this way. Yet as much as this person’s awkwardness surprises us, we are just as shocked to see someone identify with him. And there is always someone that breaks the silence with an awkward giggle.

This is where our classroom hero gets his confidence. Normal people understand that if you make a joke in front of 100 people and only two of them laugh, then it is not a funny joke. Normal people understand the concept of trial and error. This is not the case for the classroom hero. He only needs one or two people to laugh for him to feel like he’s receiving cheers at Madison Square Garden. These people do not understand regular social interactions so they will never understand that silence and rolling eyes is a bad thing. I believe the only way to handle it is irregularly. They must be booed. Boo these men whenever you can. This is the only way they can comprehend what is happening around them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

PABS




Have you ever heard something so stupid that it causes your body to ache? Every now and then I see someone like Snookie on television or I see the genius product “Micro S’mores” and my soul twists up. By the way if you haven’t seen “Micro S’mores” then I urge you to watch the commercial


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-EGA_8NsHc. It’s just so stupid that I can’t keep it to myself.

Anyway, the most recent thing I’ve heard that hurts me down to my core is the “Pet Anti Breeding System” (PABS). This is essentially a chastity belt for dogs. As if it isn’t enough to neuter and spay our pets but now, Mr. Dexter Blanch feels (creator of PABS), it is necessary to humiliate them. This chastity belt is not just a pair of shorts for your pup but an insane 8-lock mechanism that strap the dogs in. There is also a mesh pad for the heated lady dog, which the owner will have to rinse out. This is for the dog owner that wants to take nasty to the next level because picking up shit is just not disgusting enough.

The actual PABS slogan is “When the heat is on, lock it, and stop it.”

I believe that this product was created because Blanch hates both people and dogs. If the product itself isn’t evidence enough I have information that should convince you.

Two years ago Blanch was shot in the arm by his beagle. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. This dog defied all logic by shooting a gun without the use of thumbs. Blanch nearly lost his arm from the incident and claims that the “accident” gave him a lot of time to think about a product that would help pets and their owners.

I really don’t see the connection between a dog that does something miraculously evil and a chastity belt. Unless getting shot by his dog led to ridicule by people, for obvious reasons, which led to a two year long plot to humiliate both dogs and people with the most disgusting and ridiculous product for dogs ever created…

Monday, February 1, 2010

Check Me Out

It's me!

I just did my very first stand up comedy and I have documentation.

I wanted to put a video directly on the blog but I am incapable of doing that apparently so instead I will give you a link.